Remember me

Reading Time: 5 minutes

(Graphic reused from a poster I made for my upcoming Computer Ambiences workshop…)

I turn 24 tomorrow.

Some wishes…

For (the means to make) some great big thing

who will give me the advance to code & write my great memetic Ambient literature open-world protocol fiction hypertext autofiction MUD net art website fanfic? is a half-jest tweet, but also honestly kind of earnest.

I work and publish so heftily: performing, seeing, teaching. Now, I have a decent platform as an artist (something I didn’t have for the past years when I focused organizing under Developh). I’m incredibly self-publishing pilled rn because it’s the only feasible avenue for me given constraints… but overall, I’d love to work on something long and full of myself. Making a Great Work Of Internet Literature, finding a form for myself, and seeing other people resonate in it (even the tiniest bit) I think, would make my whole life.

  • When We Love is one avenue; my game (or anthology) of browser-based projects exploring internet intimacies that have ranged from electronic literature, single-purpose social networks, tools, and games. Almost everything I’ve released in the past couple of years has been bucketed into this ‘dating sim where you date everything’: studies of love, infrastructure, and maintenance — that I’m also getting the technical skills to go for.
    • Lately I’ve been experimenting with HTML-only movies, more publishing
  • Performance is how I’ve been manifesting my love for sound, hypertext, and the browser/OS/command line/poetic web ecosystem overall. I’m interested in investing more time into performing, sound, infrastructure, internet primitives, and the like – changing how people feel and read their computers.
  • Developh and the Philippine Internet Archive are my lifelong pursuits. This year, we’re releasing KAKAKOMPYUTER MO YAN, an exhibition on Filipino net art. Working towards critical, poetic, justice, preserving third world internet art, and safeguarding the internet as a space for liberation under a reign of repression are urgent calls for me; if I speak

…but in general, if this is something you’re interested in seeing out of me or would like to support in some way, let me know.

For the time left (and making more)

I write to you from San Francisco, but I have until July 2025 in America, as my student Visa expires. but am exploring what life could be like after this time is up—prioritizing reclaiming a a sense of agency in where I can choose to be, what I can choose to pursue, and where I can become myself.

If I stay in America, I’m pursuing visa options that require me needing a longer-term outline of what my main engagements look like. (I don’t have this clarity.) Whether or not I’m physically here, that will likely look like working a full-time job that is flexible/generous with my pursuits around art & organizing (which my current role at Figma is great at)… but I can’t even picture what my life looks like a month out; let alone three years, which I need to justify a longer stay.

  • Have you been in the same position and want to talk through options?
  • Do you have leads on O1A/B options or visa support?
  • Could you write about me, show me, be alongside me, or think about long-term opportunities where I might be a good fit? It’s hard when I need to be needed (or at least appear so) in order to even have the option of staying.

If not here, where could I go? I’m also open to thinking about that, living more flexibly… but it feels critical for me to have some sort of guarantee that I could stay here if I wanted: where I have begun planting a life that I don’t want to be stripped so soon.

For the space shared (and to continue inhabiting)

Struggling to stay afloat and being in this strange state of survival mode for the past few years has been exhausting. I’m hoping 24 can offer me a more gentle sense of lightness.

Other people are bright; I alone am dark. I feel closer to Manila than ever before despite being far away, and I’m trying to be more present in San Francisco as I have began making a history here and make myself closer to those of its own.

  • If you’re around San Francisco, I’d love to meet anytime… if not, let’s text/call/whatever slowly and see if we cross paths – I’m sure it will happen sooner than we expect.
  • A more specific ask is that I wish I had a mentor who could just look at my whole life (or some fragment of it) and tell me what’s compelling! Or direct me to anything! If you’re interested in my design/art practice in some closer capacity and think this won’t be too lofty of an ask, let me know.
  • I’d love to collaborate with more people in putting together gatherings, performances, online publications, showing/exhibiting work, but mostly in making.
    • I’m coding up a space for experimental publishing and desktop performances at No Soliciting, for starters.
  • Do you have recommendations for sonically interesting places? I want to take more time listening and looking deeply when I travel around and do field recording trips.

(This is all an asking to be closer. Who writes blog posts the day before their birthday but the lonely?) I want to live with lightness, gather, be shy until I can no longer feel it, be surrounded, be seen—before environments and circumstances change, before I grow too uninteresting.

I’ve been thinking about the urgency and sickness of the world and of my own. Admitting to myself that there’s an unavoidable distance between myself and every other thing is alienating, but so true…

Still, I’m finding the language to explain why I’m often guarded and trustless. I have spent the past few years of my life learning how to play a game, speak a language, and reap no rewards if I don’t keep playing. I watch people around me co-opt the language and works of those that raised me: there’s a difference between purpose for seeking’s sake, and purpose because it’s a national call. I like how I retain my morals, still. I don’t like how it’s difficult for me to be liked. I like that I can turn myself into anything. I don’t like how I recognize my exploitation but feel too numb to act on it. Most days I take myself so seriously that there’s nothing left for people to take of me.

I’m admitting more things to myself: that I want to be seen, that I want to be seen because I want to be traced, because I feel like I carry so much more than myself; I feel indebted to everything, I can never move slowly, I am driven by fear, by all these generations, and by something so much larger than me. This is a drive attributable to something more divine than the holy things we know. I feel god as I feel guilt, I feel deep attention when I’m in the middle of everything.

There is the weight of lossiness, illegibility, isolation that still runs through me… and a sense of distance since who I want to convey this all to is so far away from me. Most days I still worry about how I’ve lived too little and also too much to see it all through.

After all, isn’t all this living just an asking to be loved?


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