citational circlings

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there’s a strange, kind of petty problem that i feel like i have been facing from strangers and sooometimes, peers around my circle of work. i feel a bit like a child writing about this, but it’s so frequent and strangely upsetting the more it happens that i’d kind of like to air it out, especially because i don’t have much power or visibility to begin with.. this is also kind of an exercise in trying to name this weird thing that impacts me

i see patterns of young people, usually (but not exclusively) similar to my age and background, entering the space of practice i am in and meticulously crediting influences, artists, etc. — except for me. circling around me, sometimes directly using my code, assets, thought, language, ideals, crediting rich circles of influences — but never me. i’ll do a surface skim of someone i’d love to speak to, and see this weird mirror of every article i’ve recently shared – not general concepts (i’m not so original), but exact material i’ve been collecting…

this one was directly copying my CV – down to the google docs title i used ? 🙁

i’ve witnessed the obvious things like taking a game made with my gamemaker and erasing all attribution–which is expected when you make tools like this, but the more dreadful part is the more selective circling of words; a suspension of myself not just by deleting lines of code, but constructing this ecology of influences and being and work that take everything i’ve produced and am surrounded by and love and breathe but removing me, my name, despite my collaborators being there

how do you describe this form of erasure? it is the most ambient one, but also the most harrowing.

sometimes it even goes to tweeting quotes from my talks that i haven’t really shared outside, circling, circling, so strangely; as if i’m being systematically omitted from being, reassembled elsewhere, selectively being unacknowledged. this creeps into doubts about my worth

other times, this happens with other peers in the space without so much as a heads up. it doesn’t feel like sharing infrastructure, it hasn’t felt generative. most of the times, i’ve tried to commiserate about my constraints in work, time, legal status, sense of place to these people in larger positions of power, and then be told “but i do so much”; most discussions with supposed peers have often made me feel dismissed in my struggles, despite them reassembling my verbatim words or form clearly in some way…. these days i think about how low-trust i am now, and how i’ve had to claw myself into being for much of my life

i’ve been feeling very invisible lately and these small accumulations kind of weigh on me. maybe it’s easy to replace the shape of myself. perhaps many of you deem me unnecessary. it’s other people that make us disappear

Leaving San Francisco soon; let’s meet before!

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My partner and I are (very likely) leaving San Francisco for New York in July/August 2025. I moved to San Francisco around September 2022 and enjoyed my time here… I never dreamed of living in the US, let alone in this beautiful city. I’ll be endlessly grateful for how I’ve flourished as an artist, designer, person, field recordist, birder, sound experimentalist, etc. here; I’ll want to come back to live again here someday, and I know I’ll have many regrets about not making the “most” out of that city, in the infinite ways that could mean.

For now, I’d love to see you while I’m here, especially if we’ve only seen each other at passing group events or never had time 1:1 before.

Especially interested in: Art & technology (new media, whatever), the ”poetic web” and designing tools & spaces for a more intentional internet, design, faith as infrastructure, hypertext, experimental literature, indie games (playing/making), sound art, building new institutions for Southeast Asian tech & art ecosystems… I’m also thinking about tools for worlding, creativity, atmosphere-making as applied to creative tooling, games, and simulations 🙂

What we can do: Coffee or drinks, art event/opening or film + drinks, music events, tech events, organize an art/technology event together or dinner with a group of friends (especially if no one knows each other!). I’m generally around the east side of the city (Mission/Bernal Heights/Potrero/Dogpatch/Downtown) — but also happy to meet midway or explore other areas.

Adjacently, if you have recommendations for group events/scenes that you think I would be interested in, I would love to explore a bit…

How to reach me: [email protected] or DM me on Instagram (@hotemogf)

I turned 25

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On May 1st.

I spent a lot of time thinking about how my whole life has been about proving people wrong. I am not the type of person that people hold faith in, not since I was a child, nor in recent times. If there’s something that will mark 24 to me, it might be how mundane this casual cruelty has become to me: being completely unable to receive any type of sympathy, waking up with dread every single day, my hair falling out in clumps, proving myself in mundane tests, failing people who have been generous. Maybe this is the most crushing thing outside of the material cost of the world; I think it’s why I’ve grown particularly withdrawn, skeptical, and distrusting of people over the years. I don’t think my goal is to be that type of person (a subject worthy of belief)… but I’d like to be a believer. Not necessarily the type of belief that destroys the shell that I’ve rightfully drawn, but one that far deeper.

If there is anything I’d like to hold close this upcoming year, it is to be more faithful in all around me—perhaps so much so that it might be misconstrued as delusion. Yes—I’d like to be faithful.

24 felt like decades, but also strangely stagnant. I was thrusted into work with more agency, traveled more than I have in a long while (not truly for leisure–with the way my life is going, I don’t think I’ll have a real vacation until I’m 28), stretched my body with performances… defined more what I was walking towards. A few months ago, I was home again to show KAKAKOMPYUTER MO YAN at Art Fair, but I felt a bit sick coming back—like I had failed. It’s been strange and sinking ever since. At the same time, I’ve spent countless nights sick, delirious, loving the work, wanting to be excellent, believing in myself when no one else would… like this was knowing the world, and no one would take it away from me. Then, there were the few precious times also, where I could sit slowly with myself, and hear things pristinely, clearly; understand the smallness of my body but the wholeness of all I could have.

Less things matter; the few that do appear larger than life. I just had the biggest product release of my life (we launched Figma Sites, but still have much more to do)—I think it’s something I’ll look back at when I grow old, and see that I tried. I took a few days to breathe before throwing over a hundred sketches from the past year into a new work to screen at Tate on the 16th, and hope I get more time to build things that shape up to the thoughts and heart I have. Farther ahead? I’d like to get Developh to a meaningful place, start explorations for a potential company (!), continue developing my art practice with intensity & rigor to have a body of work, research, and thought to culminate in an exhibition (!!!!), be an excellent & sharp designer that knows what it takes to grow, handle some logistical woes with Visa/immigration status that have inhibited me for a few years, and continue with voracious, unfettered belief…