Category: writing

(short stories! prose! poetry! editorials!) narratives and abstract retellings of things for imaginations to count ✍️

There is an internet that is mine & I would like you to live in it with me

Reading Time: 38 minutes

( In the move to radically reinvent a ‘poetic’ web, I motion to look at the spaces that we have already cultivated. That digital intimacies are not just ‘built’ or ‘resolved’—that the act of cultivating this internet is beyond the hands of any technologist alone: it is in consciousness-raising, recognizing the dwellings and spaces people have already cultivated, and intentionality over what institutions & politics we are modeling this new web after.

We need to broaden the label of who is a technologist—recognizing the people actively dwelling amongst our technologies as those shaping it. Instead of searching for a supposed ‘essence’ or ‘purity’ to technology, we should name the way the most impacted are already dwelling in it—legitimizing how people are actively constructing this reality, guiding us for how we will construct the next. Softness cannot be optimized for or solved with software. Technologies are relations, not objects to be solved. )

( still a work in progress and being written in public… this can definitely be shorted and chunked down, but i wanted to just write and think. :b )

In this final, stultifying stage of capitalism, we are moving from poetic technologies to bureaucratic technologies. By poetic technologies I refer to the use of rational and technical means to bring wild fantasies to reality. Poetic technologies, so understood, are as old as civilization.

They could even be said to predate complex machinery. Lewis Mumford used to argue that the first complex machines were actually made of people.

A web as a social act and becoming of the century

Like with any worthwhile thing, we gathered. About a decade ago, ‘getting on the internet’ was the act of the century. If you were lucky enough, your household had the family computer room with a bulky Dell set-up, trackball mouse and all, next to mounds of file cabinets. An Rx Prescription Pad was our trackpad, aptly soggy from the Coke Zero condensation pooling onto it. I couldn’t take a 30 minute time limit per day on weekends, so the next viable option was to sneak out to computer cafes. My sister and I would sit down together, fingers pointing at the screen dictating each next move, making interactive stories on PowerPoint. When I was given my first hand-me-down laptop, my friends would come over for impromptu recording sessions with the built-in microphone to overdub YouTube rips of the Neopets PlayStation 2 game. Trips to the bookstore at the mall after school also included “needing to print something at the computer cafe” which meant how many League of Legends games could I play with decent ping, back when every guy & girl I had a crush on smelled like shit and played like shit in this space that swept up every bad signal—all I cared about was that we were here, doing something together, and we loved it.

Now, desktop & file system metaphors are disappearing and we use our own devices as our gatherings. After some decades of placemaking, corporations have become sordid answerers to the desire for connection. Centralized social networks become the primary spaces we congregate in, almost no different to the density of mall culture I experienced in urban Manila where privately-owned public spaces are the norm. It’s not the prettiest picture: the sense of community in an internet cafe with several signs up saying “NO MASTURBATING ALLOWED”, but we gathered around it, anyway. It was in this time that the internet felt closest to a medium for connection, rather than the sole place where connection was transacted in itself.

Yet, there remains significant political contention over whether internet access is even a right—despite it seemingly (and rightfully intuitively) being so embedded onto our social grains. Its social ubiquity might be our intuition, but the position of the internet has extended itself beyond how we merely feel about it and how we need it to live. We saw serious ramifications of this across COVID & healthcare and are at risk of losing recent human history with the deaths of these platforms, if you consider them alive at all amidst the ideological shift. The ridiculous question of whether it should be a public utility or not will continue to be toyed with by massive service providers and political pawns wondering about the expensive of innovation and questions of hyperlocal governance if we ourselves don’t recognize all its simultaneities: that it is a place where we can fall in love and be loved already, that it is a place where movements are born and where individuals have been killed, that is a place that is terrible and wonderful, that it is a place that can be participatory and alienating, that like the real-world will begin with mirroring broken structures. That it is just like the real world.

So I won’t tell you that the internet should only be filled with highways or gardens. It is an entire world unto itself, one with complex interoperable systems that require for it to function, many with evolutions that we are only beginning to dissect in its short history. With the internet’s infrastructure, our placemaking might begin with analogies to ideals of libraries & fields, but should continue with using this technology’s unique affordances & nascency to reimagine how these physical references might be made even better, and should continue even further with the constructing and naming of places that only exist on the internet. As the file metaphor dies just like the Garden of Eden, I wonder what imaginaries and subsequently constructions will become part of the internet’s own mythology. So I won’t answer whether our thinking of the internet, especially from this heavily technological perspective, should draw from architecture or whether questions of governance & politics should guide it more—the answer is everything. This is why we begin with and always return to physical associations, and why more technologists must embed history and the humanities into their practice—for technology itself is a human practice and construct. When we talk about building rooms on the internet, we also talk about the entire world the internet is positioned in and all of these ecologies. We need to also talk about flow of labor in the construction of these rooms: ending at the website hosted on a corporation’s server with a quirky Top-Level Domain managed by an operator you are unaware of only invokes the handmade , but to what extent? Is it mostly for the aesthetic sense? There are very real physical pieces behind our fantasies for a softer web, one that most of us are incredibly detached from.

Softness is a valuable strategy to undermine the web today. I believe this love is central, in fact, which is why we must recognize the love that is present. It is why I myself move towards a poetics of the web, have written about tiny internets for years, and have retreated to the internet to invent these worlds for as long as I can remember. I am interested in gathering all the people I love in one place and genuinely believe the internet could be this place. I taught my friends to write HTML with glitter pens in middle school and made it the activity, starting a ‘Webmasters Club’, and then struggled for years after to teach hundreds of Filipinos how to code and think in the realm of computing—a struggle I still work on, with both tech-savvy technologists in our scene at a time of a bubble’s bursting and a more tangible destabilization from political disinformation campaigns within an industry that largely undervalues and obscures the work of the mass Filipino tech worker. So I will ask you about participation and who is shaping the web in your imaginary: if your parents are a part of it, who you are looking to be intimate with, what languages you imagine this web to speak or birth, if you know who is already shaping the internet you operate in, and how you have intersected the internet with the world you live in. I’m conscious: is our reimagining and reclamation a collective act? Who is building it, and who is it built for? Is it a respite from something? Are we already aware of the current world it exists in? Who is holding the tools that shape this world? What structures and political dynamics are you reinforcing in your internet? Does this tenderness only serve you?

Sometimes I fear that my fascination on the web’s malleability and my belief that it can be reshaped will lead me to succumb to the same mistakes. I cannot reduce the internet, as we all could reach for pen & paper and still seem to have little to write. The seemingly overwhelming toxicity of one streamlined, constantly pushing feed was all-encompassing, cosmic, nearly god-like in its promise for agency for you to rewire it: with the lines of code to do so. It is in this reduction and this belief of reshaping that agency might again be merely illusory. There is concrete, verifiable need to carve more caring spaces and the same need to question that place of care—especially when this call is forwarded by technologists (in this meaning well-educated or independent software engineers, designers, etc. who seem to be at the forefront of net art and the handmade web movement) for the supposed sake of all.

The internet doesn’t have to be like the real world. The internet is the real world. There are no dualities, there are only the deepest, oldest, and forever unanswerable questions of social theory that must permeate our thinking. There is my simple human question of the way we frame this technology in relation to its place in society that I want to better interrogate: what we consider as technologies, who forms it, its form, how it’s felt—before I can continue my unending pursuit of bettering its future.

I want to tell you that there’s an internet that’s mine and that you could live in there with me. I want to know what internet you’re imagining. This begins with a recognition of lived experience and all the experiences concealed to us; my life on post-colonial property and the truth I’ve found on the internet. I think, the beautiful thing about this technology and the position we’re holding in shaping it is that it is indeed malleable and growing and learnable—that it is built upon technologies and the life work of thousands, that it is actively served upon technologies I’m still learning to even see and name. And that we can open up this question for the entire history of technology is in relation to how we’ve gathered and interfaced with the material world. I argue that more than a question of tools, the question of technology is one of changing minds. Instead of a technosolutionist perspective of resolving the internet or an ideal of it being something that is just ‘built’, we must question how we live in it, who participates in these structures and its sociopolitical implications, and the nature of participation & exchange we expect.

My own favorite net art piece, Bisita recounts the Catholic routine of the Seven Churches Visitation through an interactive fiction forwarded with web defaults. It was made as a prompt to make a website that was a “tour” — try it out.

A web as sanctuary and the meaning we make of it

I’m constantly skittish about the likening of the web to the physical world not only because wading through file cabinets for signature slips was a painful task. It’s because the internet, growing up (and until today), was a sanctuary against the real world. My life was waking up at 4AM to commute to school, oftentimes only getting home at 8 or 9PM or so; we would never go out if not to the church, mall, or the province hours away to see grandparents where there was definitely no internet. Life was incredibly solitary; my parents were constantly working, the television was boring if not broken, and my Catholic school offered machinic routine, historical revisionism, and religious fearmongering in their stringent task of putting these middle-upper class kids into four potential universities and fates. This flavor of repression is nothing new; not only because my closest friends on the internet share the same whether born a two-hour 15km drive away somewhere else in Metro Manila or an American stripmall town, but because any controlled society has dictated a certain brand of life. Even small, hyperlocal institutions often come with marginalizing, classist, and racist histories, if you live in a place where they are accessible at all. Sometimes these histories aren’t even swept under the rug. There are technologies older than the computer, programs just a recoupling of ritual routine, and a truth in the tool: people have been made to feel like machines for centuries.

When I didn’t then know that I wasn’t a girl and wanted to hold girls’ hands and didn’t know that my fate after earth was not only hellfire, the only inklings of this then-radical thought were planted from this device that opened this world that felt like magic. I learned that there was a name for the things I was feeling and they were real and did not have to be repressed (just concealed, for now), and they had answers to the ones religion didn’t give me. I fell in love online and it felt more real and constant than the broken images of love elsewhere. I spilled 2% milk on my keyboard and discovered porn too early. When I had my first kiss, I wondered why it didn’t feel as special as working your way through someone in Skype—knowing them slowly, piece-by-piece, knowing them wholly to whatever wholes we could give then. It was another social practice without meaning to me, unlike the meaning I projected onto the internet.
It feels weird traversing this ahistory with anyone else who grew up online. Together, we recall dead company names and the sound of slow broadband speeds, using the sound of clicks entwined with imagery of ourselves with our laptop on the kitchen counter, with jumbled representations that remind me of how the digital world can only ever be represented with the physical. I’m carrying a bulky laptop overheating itself with Warcraft 2 up the creaky stairs of my grandmother’s house, past all her statues of Jesus and Mary; I snuck in the computer to our annual school field trip. Sometimes I remember the digital more than the physical, other times the other way around, while each persistently reminds me of this world where it’s up to us to define and construct these boundaries.

The highway of the internet was congested and filled with dangers, but I could begin to express myself—a task which in the real-world, was often punished with physical, verbal, or financial abuse and harm. There was so much of myself that I could begin to name and so much of myself that I could then imagine becoming; an expanded lexicon and consciousness-raising of the terms of my living in the Philippines was only afforded by the internet. Today, I fear legislation and control that robbing marginalized & queer youth of these opportunities to discover themselves, and general regressive public sentiments that claim specific, often folk and queer-run internet spaces are brainwashing youth. Worse, ‘innovation’ that points towards access that rob people of agency and strip them of potential consciousness-raising; as in my often quoting of the Facebook Lite/Internet.org ramifications onto the global south.

I’m sorry that this story isn’t particularly beautiful or captivating. I had no magical mentor who gave me the opportunity of a lifetime, wise relative, or life-changing English teacher that saved me. It was the internet and the people in it that let me save myself. I taught myself what I needed technically and begged to work my first job, I can name you a dozen of this expanded family who have all fallen into this pyramid scheme with the most gracious thing they could give me is letting me run off on this old device, and our English teachers were explaining how adverbs worked in the 12th grade. The next year I went to Yale.

Queer Zine Explosion! | Beinecke Rare Book & Manuscript Library
Yale’s Beinecke Rare Book & Manuscript Library hosts an extensive queer & feminist zine collection, dating from as early as 1948. We often visited these archives for class.

At my first semester at Yale, I touched my first ‘zine’ and didn’t get it. It was overtly loud and a bit too explicitly socialist with all the tellings of DSA-optimistic white feminism, punk when all my exposure to punk was through Hot Topic-commodified aesthetics, and delivered in a medium that would have found a more bitter end in my lived experience. I love my professor, in her mid-40s with such a voracious and wide-reaching heart for graphic design and by extension—projects such as putting feminist slogans on billboards (in a blue state) as “social practice”, but we once spent thirty minutes in class discussing indie publishing movements. I had never been to an independent or used bookstore before college; the closest one physically was three hours down in the province at a university I wasn’t sure I was allowed to step in by whatever club was organizing it and was sure as hell not allowed to go once my parents discovered that it was called a “zine orgy”. And this was already when I bought into it. I wanted to scream and become politically active and everyone asked me if I wanted to get myself killed. Entering any alternative space outside of a mall, if I could even find one, felt weirdly alienating: like I still was in Catholic school uniform and was deemed on visual & speaking basis, like I couldn’t participate in this struggle—a keeping that people often do rightfully.


We talked then, about underground zine culture and its possible fetishization. The riot grrrl movement (one I have always struggled to identify with) and how zine culture in your school presumes that the school does not stringently inspect & confiscate documents for fear of blasphemy, or that there is some semblance of accessible punk or music movement that you can find at all, or that you can actually own non-empty notebooks and looseleafs without them being discarded, or that your school wasn’t already in some strict religious social hierarchy that scorned you for assembling clippings together, or that you could touch the newspaper filled with propaganda. The internet was still new and not understood and it wasn’t yet demonized by the priest in mass, safe from the destructive public world. We had our own equivalents, ones that took from these movements as they too must have trickled down from niche spaces to the suburbs. In a class I took with her again two years later, I took the prompt of ‘collecting’ to collect purely digital artifacts and captures. It was mostly out of convenience when I was locked up in COVID time in a house & neighborhood where I was afraid to really move around—feeling like the small person I was back in the Philippines finding relief only in the computer, which she didn’t take kindly. The other undergraduates collected junk mail and COVID signs, which were everywhere and equally thoughtless. If only I could articulate then what these acts of securing digital-native materials mean, that they are at larger risk of disappearance, that securing and treating them as precious as physical material (for they are all built on physical infrastructure) is a radical act in itself. This was before I had those intentions.

At the same time, I recognize that this faith in the internet is one my elders are distanced from — the social contexts which they might find on the web are completely different to mine. What values we have derived and what we have made of the web are different; the faith we put on these systems at a disconnect. Even amongst my peers, I reasoned that my own act of placemaking came born out of necessary roughness—as if there was nowhere else to go but the internet.


There were also a lot of bad parts to the internet, of course—particularly ones that I’d have trouble quoting to you with verifiable coverage. Partly because the internet used to be novel, and mostly because a lot of these ‘folk’, alternative spaces are now long gone. While the internet is infrastructure at its core, like any medium of human intervention it has become a complex ecology.

These bad parts, I learned to navigate with the resolve to the last paragraph—a plurality of selves that I could assume, a fragmentation and experimentation that could only occur as fluidly as it did in the digital realm. I made negotiations On the same website where I learned about alternative Philippine histories and what pronouns were, I was convincing people in their late 20s to not kill themselves. In this time of being young and naive, I hated the body I was in and tried to hate other things too. Sometimes it felt like I was a technical tutorial or 4chan thread (in that painful, brief period) away from being radicalized into something dangerous; a cautious overlooking I also do to my younger brother as he autoplays through different threads of thought, thinking that he is infinitely more brilliant than I am but also as susceptible to waves of extremism—especially as we both felt alone, against the world, brewing something in ourselves. No one outside could have seen this and woken me up from it. It is both a blessing and a curse that the internet could host secret worlds for myself.

A web’s rejection of the duality; technology is like a prayer

Perhaps I was like cyborg. One that Donna Haraway blurs between the physical and non-physical, denouncing the so-called polarity of public and private—all on the computer in a household form I would soon reject, in rejection of the Catholic organic family. “The cyborg would not recognize the Garden of Eden; it is not made of mud and cannot dream of returning to dust.”

My cyborg self carried this notion of self that I could not express physically, but had learned to define in a million other spaces online. I carried myself in forums, in early iterations of Myspace and Friendster and hidden Facebook accounts, in the explicit worlds of online games and the implicit worlds of every other web, in chatrooms and the several blogs I would run. Where I would previously be erased and lost, I had the agency of customization and control (which was still illusory, but the CSS did apply and break my Myspace page)—I still look back to where I was on the internet in this past decade of estrangement, trauma, and restarting my life to mark where I was and who I had become. What artifacts I created as a child, what stories I was writing about myself or imagining and telling. Most of these selves were contextualized to the space, the same way even the most godliest of people assume a different self once they genuflect before the altar. It was like any technology: there was an act to invoke it in the making of a cross, and the clear technologies of prayer and scripture and bible and rosary—”just as the phone and science form moral sentiments.” Technology, when thought of as tools, are most interesting when we center on what they provoke and what imaginaries they expose us to. So both a prayer and a computer are rightfully technologies. They can both bring people to lie, to sin, to better the world, or to transcend.

When I looked at the world with these new eyes afforded by technology, I understood that all of vision and knowing was mostly man-made. Man-made does not have to mean manufactured. When the camera came and fell into the hands of the masses, we began so much debate in the ‘essence’ of image and the ways of seeing. In so much of theory about essence, I remember the seemingly illogical love for complexity and process in the hands of my relatives and loved ones who think no different the mall corner photoshoot booth for their Christmas portraits the casual iPhone shot on a trip, as what is held in image and the meaning made pays no respect to how commercial or blinding the set-up portrait shot was.

The computer and the internet are unlike many of our old technologies, but we can still use the same questions to guide our usage of them. Take the old technology of the fire, which ignites to signal gathering be it a grill, a cigarette, or a campfire: at its core, the nature of this media is to convert matter into other forms or make it vanish altogether. John Durham Peters says that the history of media is the history of the productive impossibility of capturing what exists. When we imagine a website as a room, imagine the caretaker and all that it is within—imagine the core of what it seeks to provide. A room, a vessel, a container, a space for rest, a space alone, a space that is intimate, a space we can customize, a space between spaces. We can continue to use these languages to open people to these gentle reimaginations of technology, and pay more conscious attention to whether it meets these qualities in the first place or if a more radical restructuring is necessary. The Metaverse is a joke not only because those extremely online know that VRChat furries have done it better, but because its replications of the conference room and office seem to just digitize all the things we hate about presence in real life.
Spatial software is a waste when we constrain ourselves to digital reconstructions of natural places, especially when we directly carry their qualities and forget that the beauty of a new technology is that it is always reinventing and building upon the old not just in form but in nature.

People believe there’s an essence to the computer, that there’s something true and real and a correct way to do things. But—there is no right way. We get to choose how to aim the technology we build. At least for now, because increasingly, technology feels like something that happens to you instead of something you use. We need to figure out how to stop that, for all of our sakes, before we’re locked in, on rails, and headed toward who knows what.

One of the reasons that I’m so fascinated by screens is because their story is our story. First there was darkness, and then there was light. And then we figured out how to make that light dance. Both stories are about transformations, about change. Screens have flux, and so do we.

Frank Chimero, What Screens Want

With the cyborg’s coming, there is no use to attempt to find one ‘truth’ in the internet beyond the historical truths of its use for exploitation and commodification with its privatization; we have been tracing for truth for ages. There is no ‘pure internet’.

There was the painting, which Andre Bazin declares was freed from the puerile obsession over realism with the introduction of the photograph, now satisfying a laborious eternalization of the unreal; then offset by the photograph in its ability to encounter not only a truthful realism but an entire new aesthetic world with autonomy, and “…the photograph allows us […] to admire in reproduction something that our eyes alone could not have taught us to love.” Then came the montage and moving image and thenceforth cinema. Then earlier too, was the newspaper with an impact that McLuhan describes of “immediacy and of super-realism”, yet with a metaphysicality that is existential—where the process of actualization is this impact. The newspaper parallels the endless digital scroll in our spectatorship, each one claiming itself as the story of our lives when all we do now is watch it tell it. I question too, what we can learn from other forms of media pushing intimacy and immediacy onto us, making us share in universal pain and joy and desensitizing us to all emotions—so much that feeling this intimacy could absolve us from acting, the same in recognition of a social ill sufficient when we continue to choose participating it. Digital media, the computer, our modern technologies, especially in their detachment in role of ‘tool’, as something that we use and moreso that happens to us, have complicated all these questions. Even this essay struggles with the multiplicities of its topic: everything is converging which had sought me to break free, and now I can barely unravel how all these forms have intersected.

A computer is not a city

This theory for unification isn’t guided by only a feeling, of course. Haraway also notes the need for unity of people “trying to resist worldwide intensification of domination that has never been more acute”, paralleling this resistance to the modern internet to any aggrieved social body. The issue now, is how to push and name this resistance when the ill exists with social, historical, local, and temporal simultaneities.

Fire is a chief metaphor for the Internet: it is metaorganic; it extends the range of (informational) food; it empowers people to explore new time zones (the night) and territories of knowledge; it increases some kinds of sociability, demands ongoing maintenance, and produces dangers and externalities that did not exist before. Fire was the first World Wide Web, a fragile system for contagious spreads. Young people now stay up late looking at flickering firelights—TV screens, computer monitors, smart phones—as they once tended the communal well of flames. (Television has always been compared to the family hearth.)

Chris Anderson, the chief curator of TED talks, in a short essay called “The Rediscovery of Fire,” extols Internet videos for restoring the power of the embodied voice speaking around the campfire. We “burn” discs on our computers. Memes and themes tear through the Internet like prairie fires, or are retarded by censorship “firewalls” such as those of the Chinese government. The server farms that are key to the material infrastructure of the Internet generate vast amounts of heat, requiring air conditioning in addition to the electricity their processing takes up. (Data centers are often built in cold climates to save on cooling costs.) Touchscreen technologies fulfill a certain fantasy of touching flame. As Paul Frosh notes, “Television and computer screens (including iPads etc.) have some of the qualities of fire, especially self-illumination; unlike cinema and print, they are lit from within.” Information is irreducibly connected with heat and burning.

The Marvelous Clouds: Toward a Philosophy of Elemental Media

We could pray for technology, but there are no definite roots to return to—historical or physical. The goal of the internet was always privatization, the infrastructures holding it up now reliant on underpaid and exploited labor in the global south, and It is only in the reclamation of the internet’s spaces post-ubiquity that we have begun carving these spaces for genuine expression and respite. For whatever we choose to carry in the new web, we should look to the human history and ingenuity in creating places for ourselves against oppressive structures both online & offline. Flowery metaphors and poetics are critical for extending our imaginary and beginning to suppose these new futures, but we must be aware of the implications of the languages we employ. A city is not a computer and a computer is not a city. Arboreal language helps explain the root to the tree and branches; it is no surprise that the University is technology for this reason, and that we are just in a playground resolving Git conflicts disembodied from the biological complexity within and around us.

As in Buckminster Fuller’s belief, we must find some way to live synergistically with the system of nature, learning from the principles that make the world around us, as we took the hexagon from the bee to come into motion and fly. However, its application has not always been generative in this ideal of synergetics. The cloud metaphor has concealed the vast amounts of labor and human infrastructure on the internet; the theft of artistry for ‘innovation’ and the grunt work used for AI data set categorization; urban & machine intelligences promise us smart cities with the thinking left to the machines and have many times nullified the humanity & history present in our own human intelligences.

At the same time, I can understand that with sachet culture and the (often intentional) inaccessibility of more eco-friendly alternatives in places like urban Manila, people are contend with imagining the heavenly cloud and have no interest with turning the family compute room into a server room. Instead of a fruitful exchange of the physical and digital, a farcical desire to either reproduce/guide natural systems, reinvent them completely, or claim that there is a clear mapping of our digital fabric to the world (Paul McFedries says “the city is a computer, the streetscape is the interface, you are the cursor…”) have led us astray.

An internet has become its own place and it is because of you and me and everyone around us

There is a way to read the internet, a scholarship of which I mostly witness emerging after its microcivilizations have turned into their own histories. I still find it far easier to connect to someone else who grew up “extremely online”, even if they weren’t necessarily coding their own fansites, though it often takes a bit of nudging to get there. I wonder how much of this is because there was only legitimacy when something on the internet was mapped to a physical counterpart. When we failed to recognize digital native experiences for what they are, we fail to keep up with the new modes of being that have emerged within them.

It is insufficient to say that content on the internet, for instance, lives when it is tweeted and dies when it is deleted. Its complex lifespan has begun. It has already been shared in private DMs, mocked on Quote Retweets, screenshotted, edited, what have you—a strange, uncertain record with provenance dependent per platform begins. KnowYourMeme might try to chronicle its legacy, but the internet’s Ship of Theseus is ruthless. Instead it’s deepfried and reimagined and recontextualized. Not native to the internet but accelerated by it is our contemporary ENM-filled dating scene, while it’s slowly getting less and less taboo to say you met on Tinder (a digital place!). Friendships are still a bit strange to me as security has been intertwined with intimacy on social media platforms: close friends or circles as layers of knowing; the discomfort I used to feel when calling people I met on the internet as “friends” when I knew more about their lives and was in closer proximity to them than people who would call me friend in college. I like that in my social contexts, it seems we’ve used the term ‘mutual’ as a step before ‘friend’, something I’d never directly address someone as in person but a healthy position in that vast internet realm of “people I interact with regularly through material we individually put out but haven’t had much direct conversations with”. Too much focus on digital status signals as indicators of actual interest are also the strangest evolutions of these mismatches between reality and the online. A decade ago, I called my friends ‘affiliates’, essentially befriending people by filling out application forms to email to them. There are in-betweens that we can find.

Even beginning with new words (as has already been emerged from the internet) is a productive step. The internet necessitates its own language—perhaps millions of them. While these new vocabularies have to be defined with their own sets of allegories and relations, it is certainly more powerful than mapping our limited lexicons to new human experiences alone.

Perhaps I’m cautious towards all this mapping because I look towards human history: rehousing and urbanization of cities and transport vehicles are often more complex than they seem. The internet is in itself becoming gentrified, such as in its displacement of queer & trans communities and safe spaces in the ironic goal to… make it safer. Capitalization on platforms like Facebook, especially with the immense presence of it in its everyday lives within many countries in the global south, is one form of monopolizing power over sociopolitical & cultural dimensions. Friction is an interesting tool in an internet politic that theoretically presents us the ability to go anywhere at a single click. However, Elon Musk’s Twitter cannot easily be escaped from—the uneven implementation of Mastodon instances and its very premise of decentralization is not what many people want. I can teach hundreds of people how to make websites, but I need to resort to more wide-reaching platforms like Facebook or the email to reach my family and everyone from school. The platform is undeniably toxic and harmful, but has also cultivated interesting corners for care. The trickiness is there’s no way to easily uproot people. There is no one solution or migration that will aid us of our ills—we have now settled, made be. While we deserve better, the greater fear is the newest self-proclaimed savior abandoning us.

With convoluted and scattered process that would make any decently technologically savvy person wince was the act of revitalizing family histories on Facebook groups. Facebook groups, a hellslum but also the space where large-scale community archive projects and self-aware cringey meetcutes alike occur. The best tool is what we have access to, where all our people are. Most of my Philippine Cassette Archive digitization efforts after ripping through Discogs (which is also contains independently uploaded J-cards) is conducted through careful sourcing and open calls on Marketplace and Filipino cassette trade groups, where every decent collector is practically on. While these spaces are not truly safe or lasting, neither are the temporary physical spaces that culture always seems to be most radically bred and shaped in. These spaces have faults but we have made them ours. We have always been communally struggling for our own agencies, pushing the boundaries of our spaces against those in power to generate meaning of our own. The history of media is a history of capturing these objects and shaping them to our own devices, entwined with a history of struggle and organization. The internet no different than the pen, the former just an extension for the latter. I am not arguing for unnecessary struggle to force growth, but I am bringing us to how resilient the internet already is because humans already are. The internet cannot just be uprooted because there exists already hope and history within it. To have faith in a machine you must have faith in yourself. The story of the internet is our story.

The answer to this is not just in tooling or infrastructure, but it’s a good place to start thinking. There is no technological solution nor pattern language to saving the web. Like the awareness of no one-size-fits-all approach for any network or space, a love for what the internet could be prerequisites a careful love to what it already is and how it can differentiate itself from this world. Hyperlocal and folk spaces on the internet can be shaped with as much care and for the scale you dictate, a making of a world. A careful appreciation for the hands, thought, labor, and maintenance that goes into these folk spaces is critical; websites are placemaking, placemaking is worlding, worlding can occur within the vessel of the website. A careful contextual care and sensibility when shaping online spaces

Look to the very ways that those most abandoned by the internet have made their dwelling places. Content moderators, third world laborers, the first female programmers feeding punch cards into machines before women’s work was taken, server workers, call center agents, BPOs, trans folks, women, queer people, teenage girls coding websites—see how the internet has failed them and what the internet needs. See how the internet cannot exist without them. See how they have always been making the internet a place of their own. See how we can no longer talk about the internet without their story, for the internet is theirs.

…machines, people, and processes in an inextricably interconnected and interdependent system” which never goes without “conflict, negotiation, disputes over professional authority, and the conflation of social, political, and technological agendas. Software is perhaps the ultimate heterogeneous technology. It exists simultaneously as an idea, language, technology, and practice.

Nathan Ensmenger, The Computer Boys Take over : Computers, Programmers, and the Politics of Technical Expertise

As politics and legislation become more important in shaping a new internet, we need to look closely to how extant digital constructs and real-world mechanics have responded to one another. Begin with the naive assumption that technology is solely infrastructure, and extend this to how it has taken place in every dimension of our lives.

What I’m keen on is the participatory nature of shaping this imaginary. Everyone should have the capacity to architect their own space on the internet, given technology being a wonderful learnable thing, but in practice this is not what happens. The key part of shaping the internet is the oft underlooked act of examining how we inhabit and dwell in places, how we have converged and formed communities of different scales, the forms of mutual aid and collective care that have flourished against all odds. When I taught code in the Philippines (as I still do, 13 hour gap away), it is consistent in that the most life-changing part is not only technical capability—this is something that anyone can learn at any moment if they choose. It is in this consciousness-raising, this expansion of the internet and of programming, that it can be used beyond corporate, transactional interests—revitalized to express and show love with more ease than before. Like any society, it is not only architects, builders, or engineers that move us towards this collective consciousness. We need people to bring themselves and assume new identities—perhaps where the role of ‘technologist’ is fluid and all-encompassing. Where ‘technologist’ is everyone and anyone concerned with the role of technology, empowered to use it to shape their experience in our pervasive digital world. Spreadsheets will be as potent but more easy to use, but I’m interested in a technological fluency with poetics, love, and radical communal flourishing as its centerpieces. At the core of this human experience, we use technology as a tool to express care & love, to exist together with sincerity.

This is why I am hesitant to trust the faithless, those who have declared this internet broken when I see so many of my people needing it to flourish when the city and real-world offered us no other space. Someone has to want to live on this internet with you. Someone has to see the internet that you imagine.

The internet is not built by an individual and it has become more than infrastructure. It is a reflection of our collective participation and inhabitation. The internet is not the garden I could not access, not a house that I have never built; it is also the private places I reclaimed, all my illegal activities, all the shitty cafes where I found love, all the places where I found respite, all the places made so hostile that I still made for myself. I am the maker of the internet. When I think about indigenous internet practices and the human history I draw from, I first question if indigenous people have access to the internet at all and look towards how they have made their own internet as they were forgotten in its very shaping. We have made our own stories on the internet. Perhaps the internet is like a city in one way: it is nothing without its people.

Technology’s past must be reevaluated in order for better futures to become reality. Despite the promise inherent in digital systems, these tools now work as accelerants – exacerbating social, political, and environmental disasters around the globe. Far too many present and well-intentioned interventions fail because they are developed from systems of privilege and rely on the flawed building blocks of digital societies – identity, connectivity, ownership, and scale. Yet these constructs are fundamentally at odds with most people’s everyday experiences and needs. The opportunities for intervention are similarly disassociated and exclusive, reserved only for members of academia, industry, and media. As a result, those who are in a position to intervene do so with flawed fundamentals, and those who could effect true change are excluded from mobilisation. Until these underlying principles are recognised and addressed, society risks an endless cycle of faulty interventions incapable of altering trajectories in which a digitally driven dystopian future becomes fait accompli. Only through alternative forking can this wheel be broken.

The New Design Congress Manifesto, positing an alternative forking instead of ‘faulty interventions’ led only by those in academia, industry, and media. Similar to the hollow technosolutionist’s dream of poetics on the web, we question whose poetics are valued and what this forking could look like if truly participatory.

An internet where everyone is a technologist

When everyone is a technologist, we move closer to the inherently human nature of technology as a medium and environment in itself. In acknowledging that everyone is already actively shaping the internet, we become better witness to the complexity of the internet’s ecosystems and how many modes of participation exist and are continuously being developed.

My parents will never set up a home server, as admirable as the low tech movement is. They don’t understand the physical form of old media I hold preciously, like my collection of VHS tapes and CDs; they’re not at fault, there’s too much of an aesthetic instead of practical sensibility to their adoption. We are content with the family photos living on a flash drive in addition to a Facebook album; they’re no stranger to understanding data loss, and are at the end of the day, not so different technologists from myself. My home of the Philippines, where people find love and get grades back from their teacher on Facebook Messenger, could not give a shit about Mastodon or other social alternatives; they are willing to risk their security to be in the same place as the people they need. Many of my loved ones are still stunned by how Instagram and Facebook, as transgressive and hostile as they can be designed to be, are the place where they can connect with one another and this world. They do not have time to handwrite blog posts or carve out a specific set of rules like I can with my complex relationship with technology, but they are technologists all the same. We first and foremost need to pay attention to the human needs that underscore technology. Instead of choosing to chastise the vast webs of people who are being inflicted harm by technology for their usage of these tools, we should pay attention to how homes have been carved out in the most unsympathetic environments.

An internet with its own language is a language constructed by its people

Our social networks need to be reframed in a way that allows us to express presence, love, and attention better. Many features are built to optimize attention instead of letting us be sincere in this vast, connective space. While we can try to engage with the internet in a ‘healthy’ way, it is not fair that we are made to carry the burden of these real cognitive and emotional loads as we wait for interaction and care on these networks. The brunt of emotional and psychological pain is on us, yet many times humans are not trusted as true agents or intelligences when we deserve to be able to best serve ourselves. This is not a solitary act: finding ourselves in healthier spaces and communities reminds me of leaving toxic, repressive spaces in-person. This is why I push towards resisting what the image of the web is as a first practice to encourage new imaginaries and better futures, in the same way that we can create our own sanctuaries in the real world. This is all incredibly easier said than done.

We need to forge more ways to carve an internet that is ours. The act of forging begins not with a catch-all tool, but with people. It begins with faith in how humans have always made the most of where they are. The tools and capacities are already there, but there are decades of injustice that we need to begin rewiring, and decades of placemaking that we need to take more seriously and draw from. We ourselves should move towards the very possible engagement with the internet (even the most puerile platform). Tenderness is already there. People have, against all odds, offered their sincere selves. That I grew up in an internet of love and understanding in the worst platforms imaginable because humans have made it this way.

There is no ‘pure’ internet to find. There is no secret innovation, platform, or tool that will rid us from the failures of the ones before. There is no one machine that reproduces the feeling of being loved and being understood. There are only the people behind these machines and their intentions — their love permeating through no matter how desolate the body has become.
There is no one alternative fork that rids us of the sociopolitical tensions and compromises necessary from the infrastructure that makes networking at this scale possible. We forget that technology is a human act. There is no alternative future but the ones we are already acting and walking towards today.

I’m wary towards this picking for ‘purity’, as if there is some recipe or formula or platform that has offered the ideal infrastructure for care & safety when the magic of the internet is in its versatility, which is how we have made space within it in the first place. We caution against technosolutionism infiltrating human questions of love, gathering, and tenderness. All our definitions of ‘organic’ differ, our framings of the internet as a utility shift, what others desire as ambient others would prefer as explicit. There is no likening to the internet to any one public utility or organism—it would be a disservice to both the natural world and this new internet we have made. The internet is brutal and ugly and imperfect, and while the technosolutionist will partially correctly say that it was and never is ours—many human perspectives, I’d counter, will say that against all odds they have made it theirs already. How have they made it theirs? How have humans always been making this world theirs?

This story is about transformation of the human through the digital. But which human?

Maya Indira Ganesh


We cannot just abandon the internet and claim that it didn’t have the space for us if we didn’t try sharing in this space ourselves. I see these conflicts a lot in the quest to interrogate a ‘pure’ Filipino identity in design or technology, operating atop colonialist ideals and Western signals. Even by the Filipino name, derived from our archipelago’s title of Las Islas Filipinas is a product of colonial times. Every modern day human is now a cyborg. It is futile to attempt to identify the ‘pure’ internet or identity—it does not exist. The purity is in how we have been remaking ourselves over and over, how the internet did not begin with us and how we have always been inserting ourselves.

How can we construct a new world when we don’t know what the people we love need? How can we claim to pioneer a new place with new technologies and machinery without the humanity in these efforts?

***

https://twitter.com/ricburton/status/1598001611003285504

At its core, the destruction these machines have brought unto us are self-imposed. In the time of techno-capitalism, our networked machines only accelerate a spatialization of thinking. As we employ these accelerants, we must be cautious of the ideologies we’re reinforcing and where our technologies draw from. What does ‘human-first’ mean when we discuss technology? It is not a self-evident category, but an amorphous political and ideological tool that has long been used to maintain existing hierarchies, excluding some people to benefit others. Humane’s ambitious mission of building innovative technology that feels “familiar, natural, and human” has equated “humane” with “seamless with the real world” powered by artificial intelligences with their new devices, claiming that computers can drive culture. Technology only reproduces natural social ails, divisive in access instead of offering us agency. The human act of culture generation is offloaded and we wonder why we feel so disconnected. A fetishization of the natural world confuses the familiar as intuitive at best, and worse, disregards why we have abandoned old models of organizing for the new. Local structures and ancient methods have evolved for reasons, and the internet is a fascinating space that can remove boundaries in new ways — as long as we offer it with meaningful forms of inhabitation.

Instead of the lofty, dangerous dream of a perfect singularity of experience, let us stop dreaming. There is no one resolution. Know that we already inhabit a polycentric internet with diverse worlds. Already. An act in the present.
Places with pluralities include how humans have networked and captured the most infrastructurally sordid of places. Pluralities that have come forth, principled with offering us genuine agency in choosing our modes of participation. Pluralities of the internet that recognize what modes of being have only existed on the internet, and a dignifying of these ways of being. Pluralities that work against the romanticized metaphors of place that disregard the unique nature the internet has given us. Pluralities that recognize the histories of abuse and exploitation in any system of gathering, including that of the internet. Pluralities of the internet that understand the complexity of human relations and being, of modes of gathering. Pluralities that understand how the internet has become its own, many of our owns, against all odds.


“Seeing come before words. The child looks and recognizes before it can speak.

But there is also another sense in which seeing comes before words. It is seeing which establishes our place in the surrounding world; we explain that world with words, but words can never undo the fact that we are surrounded by it. The relation between what we see and what we know is never settled.”

Ways of Seeing
Do you believe that there is already love on the internet? Do you believe that the internet is its own place?

An internet where we see the ways of being

In our power struggle for a poetic web, we need to begin by shifting power away from the men who make the select few tools & decisions that power our world and reclaim the true agency that machines have given us. We begin with reclaiming the agency in imagination. We are already loving, being, connecting, ourselves, placemaking on the internet—but this internet will only be ours once we all take upon the name of technologist. This naming is all we need to do.

All of us, by every form of participation, already shape the internet. Humans are resilient and so is the internet. Humans are loving and so is the internet. Humans are culture and so is the internet. A computer is a vessel, a tool, only a carrier of human belief and thought. When we recognize that a diverse participatory imaginary is key to constructing this future, we will better thrive. There are already tools and people who can drive the infrastructure, people who steer culture, people who live and inhabit these dwelling places.

The technosolutionist must see the present ways people have been dwelling within the internet. The promise of the internet is not waiting; it is in how people are actively shaping it.

Before the technologist looks, they must see and make credible in their own vision the faith we have put in our tools—only then may they decipher how the tools have failed us, and what we need.

The technologist must encompass all those who inhabit the internet; not the detached figures who shape it. The bricklayers who gate the internet for us and are often the most gated; those who don’t know what the internet even extends to; those who have been failed by the internet but return to it anyway; those who see the internet as a plaything and those a necessity; those who struggle with the cyborg body and attempt to distinguish the physical and digital self; those who do not know what they need or what they could become. Once we are all creators, there will be no gods.

Technology is a human act. There is no secret software or innovation that will move us there. Just a history of how we exist, evolve, and occupy space. Politics reinforcing itself on both our physical and digital bodies and environments. Technology is a continuous act. Technology is manifested in the ways we relate to each other. Technology that can absolve the failure of one technology before, and ideally should not exacerbate the injustices perpetuated by the last. Technology that is alive because we are already dwelling in it. Technology that is a question because of how differently we dwell in it. We are living in it. It is just as easy of a thing we can make, as we recognize and name how we be.


We have been interacting with the internet for decades, and its older forms for centuries.
That there is a already a world of being we can draw from. That there is no purity. There is no new platform or network that will save us, only us saving ourselves.

The internet will only truly become a place once we recognize it for what it is. A place that cannot map to a city, a garden, or a tree—but might turn to their principles and apply them in new ways—once that should swear towards radical reinvention, not the failures of the old. A blurry dissolving of selves and areas. A place where all the people I love are here at once and also all apart. A place that freed me from the real world. A place that is not free from the real world. A place built atop of the labor of human hands, where the act of laying down wire is no less holy than writing the lines of code we are in.

I’m conscious of the internet, and a turn in the internet’s consciousness made these new imaginations of the space possible. Many times is the act of imagining just an act of seeing and naming. We have always been laying the groundwork before us. A constantly active act.

We must be conscious to legitimize the current ways of being and loving. This legitimization is an act of seeing as people are, to practically participate in the formation of the web by learning from its inhabitants, to shape it together and form a cogent understanding of what we need. That we pay respect to how those most marginalized from the internet have built their own havens—the work of disenfranchised communities, the women who have been written out of its history, the technologists of all levels who risk it all for the safety and security on the internet. Technology shaping starts with becoming.
We see the resilience that has carried the internet today, why it is a place still worth fighting for. Numbers alone cannot tell the story of our relationship with technology; there is a history of harm and love and being and reclamation. To move this space forward

The internet has become its own place and needs to be seen and recognized for the place that it is. There is no essence or promise but what we shape. The internet is no garden you have ever seen before, the internet is everything at once, the internet is beyond what you see so you must always be looking.

That we are all technologists. That we are all in relation to each other. That technology is just a series of how we are being.

That the shaping of the internet we want is a human act.

I want you to see the internet that is mine and how you can live in it with me, and how there is an internet that is yours that is all around you.


I’ve kept this blog since I was sixteen as my own form of radical being. I feel safe enough to be naive here, in this alcove atop of servers not my own, but know that my caretaking is always extending and seeking more agency. I talk about carving spaces on the handmade web to artists & technologists who speak languages closer to mine, am beginning to assemble DIY machines, and return to publishing & teaching people how a computer works. Sometimes we begin with how to think of the mouse as an extension of the body, other times how to reclaim agency and autonomy on the internet as a form of will, and others a glorious surrender to human intelligences that has given us these tools and how we can continue the human act of wielding and creating. Most of the times it is just telling someone that this computer is now an extension of themselves and they simply must learn to wield the limb: they will learn, they do not care, they have no insight to the market, they risk it all, they teach themselves at 80 when their eyesight is blurring so that they can see someone they love and be with someone they love.

And they are why we still build technology. They are why there is still love here.

There is no one solution I can offer, just a way of seeing where they are and what the computer & internet can do for them. They are all technologists to me.


Anyone who teaches code and computers knows the struggle in finding the perfect metaphor to explain its logic. Baking instructions, a series of steps, a variable as a vessel. The activity always boils down to you, the human, and what you would like to will.

If there is a metaphor for the internet at large, its grand scale of immediacy and intimacy which we’ve seen every precedent for but also so little, it might be one of the Aleph. Where we see everything at once in its unbearable brilliance and humanity, an infinite thing of human life and experience that we would struggle to recount, the unending eyes across an unending feed amongst deaths and births and hate and love, the rotting links, the act of creation against the endless swarm of entropy, the decaying messages, the decaying self, all your fragmented parts, all the areas that are timeless and spaceless and know no boundaries, all that is now in our feeble attempt to preserve our own self, and you, and yourself.

On the back part of the step, toward the right, I saw a small iridescent sphere of almost unbearable brilliance. At first I thought it was revolving; then I realised that this movement was an illusion created by the dizzying world it bounded. The Aleph’s diameter was probably little more than an inch, but all space was there, actual and undiminished. Each thing (a mirror’s face, let us say) was infinite things, since I distinctly saw it from every angle of the universe. I saw the teeming sea; I saw daybreak and nightfall; I saw the multitudes of America; I saw a silvery cobweb in the center of a black pyramid; I saw a splintered labyrinth (it was London); I saw, close up, unending eyes watching themselves in me as in a mirror; I saw all the mirrors on earth and none of them reflected me; I saw in a backyard of Soler Street the same tiles that thirty years before I’d seen in the entrance of a house in Fray Bentos; I saw bunches of grapes, snow, tobacco, lodes of metal, steam; I saw convex equatorial deserts and each one of their grains of sand; I saw a woman in Inverness whom I shall never forget; I saw her tangled hair, her tall figure, I saw the cancer in her breast; I saw a ring of baked mud in a sidewalk, where before there had been a tree; I saw a summer house in Adrogué and a copy of the first English translation of Pliny — Philemon Holland’s — and all at the same time saw each letter on each page (as a boy, I used to marvel that the letters in a closed book did not get scrambled and lost overnight); I saw a sunset in Querétaro that seemed to reflect the colour of a rose in Bengal; I saw my empty bedroom; I saw in a closet in Alkmaar a terrestrial globe between two mirrors that multiplied it endlessly…

Unlike the Aleph, we are constrained to the imagined universe—the one we have chosen to share on the internet. In our small human experience, this might suffice for what is beyond our imagination. Let’s begin there. What does humanity see and envision that you don’t? What can we will of this space that we all share? How do we will it together?

Let’s start by being.

And this time, we don’t have to go out and pretend like we’ve never seen it.

Restarting community, some projects

Reading Time: 18 minutes

A few months ago I outlined an interest in starting a music publication, and a bit earlier a press. I was hesitant to move on the two of them (in the midst of graduating with a seven class final semester) while reconsidering my personal capacity to publish, the relationships I had then, and my resources. I’ve now graduated and spent the month mostly idle, reading, and building for myself; I’ve been focusing a lot on exploring art and experience-making on the web (now that I see it as a potentially viable path in my future), publishing almost everything under my own name or under random pseudonyms. This is far different from how I’ve operated under the past few years, often engaging under collectives (like Developh) or school organizations. Now, I think I’ve demarcated what I want to engage in personally and what I would like to engage in collectively.

his also connects with how I’ve spent the past two seasons spending a lot of time thinking about my relationship to community and creation. Offline or online, I can’t remember a time where I wasn’t pursuing something that happened to gather people around me. I don’t like to say it and was often bad at recognizing it, but so much of my organic means of inhabiting space naturally invites people and calls for co-creation. Much of it stems from personal & inwards thoughts but is deeply interconnected—which is what makes the work feel natural, authentic (if you have issues with that), and unlike work at all. This was always about gathering people together and creating. It’s inseparable from not only how I produce, but how I engage and look at the world.

Now, I’m interested in the politics of printing, distribution, execution. I think envisioning something and realizing it into this world is one of the things I’m particularly good at and have been doing for a long time. Maybe it’s even what I’m meant to do here.

These are some thoughts on what I think about community, distribution, and creation. Afterwards, some projects I’ve been thinking about at various stages of execution.

Community is political, distribution is political. Just as what we choose to present and share of our own making is a conscious act; augmenting the work of others is a powerful, political act. Backing provided by a community, especially, suggests a co-signing and identity that is shared—the propulsion of belief systems not only from a single actor, but a diverse group of minds that have converged or at least believed enough in one idea to co-sign it and put it out into the world. Distribution of course occurs internally within communities, as ideas and projects are fertilized with a unique back-and-forth and discourse that operates under a general set of shared values, beliefs, or goals. Letting people operate & co-create with (ideally) best intentions of one another in mind as they operate under the same sphere, embedding ideas and material with one another’s views… these are the conditions that bring me the most optimism and awareness on the potency of creation. Surrounded by people, reimagining the world as a shared activity, engaged and discursive in this world to form the next one.

I think about community politics in the generation of material outputs, since that’s what most communities I’ve been in have led towards. Thinking about politics in terms of tangible outputs raises the question of power and curation: how can communities be designed to truly be participatory and reflect collective voices? How does a community decide what is published, what is therefore representative of their beliefs? Community politics of course, also applies to communities that don’t necessarily have a definable output rather than the connection with one another. (Though I’d argue that this less tangible ‘connection’ is an output that is immeasurable in itself and often takes longer spans of time to witness the effects of.) The distribution and reallocation of resources to one another, attention and awareness, communal care, and how these standards of care are shared and defined are part of the process. What reaches people and how people communicate is distribution: what is shared imagination, what ideas and efforts are worth exchanging and co-creating with one another, what of the shared imagination is made into a material reality, and how material realities & created language shape outward cultures and belief systems. What is cherished within and propagated in communities is of signified importance not only to one individual, but to all its followers. The publics that we choose to engage with and speak towards when entrenched in communities, endogenous and exogenous, are key spaces that I’ve been thinking about. How we perform ourselves to the outside world and how we perform internally within the rooms where the publishing and production happens become unquestionable politics that we must engage with.

In the context of technology and publishing, I’m thinking about how to band communities together to curate and govern their spaces and their subsequent outputs: what ideal modes of participation look like, how to design the structures and facilitate the act of creation, the act of co-dreaming and co-building. I want a shared world of human flourishing so that the act of imagining never feels wasted—imagination just becomes a part of living.

Community is distribution in space. I can recite a hundred arguments and spaces that push people towards physical reconnection (which is invaluable, yes), and I have many feelings about digital spaces that solely recreate physical environments (and how disappointing of a use of technology this is). While the internet is far more territorial than it seems (and is built upon massive structures of invisible labor and borders), the majority of you reading likely have the technical know-how to bypass geographic limitations and explore the web to its full potential. You might know how to use a VPN, or simply be someone who can visit most websites freely unlike many in the global south who live with restricted browsing access through Facebook Lite or restrictive cellular plans.

I still believe in decentralization and remote connection, even going as far as to say that unique modes of intimacy and connection can only be fostered by the internet. I personally grew up in a place where the digital realm was the only space where I could be my authentic self, dealing with a repressive environment that was dangerous (and still is dangerous today) for people of marginalized, queer identities and backgrounds. Right amount of caution at my side, communities and online subcultures offered my space to even begin to identify and understand my identity—and I’m confident that the person I am today would be far more different without this type of support system to lean towards. While I’ve yet to personally articulate the circumstances and conditions that made this type of relationship-building possible, I continuously find wonder and inspiration in the encounters I have online — most with people I may never cross with in-person, yet talk to continuously and with more depth than most of the people I’ve met through college. (And I like to think that I’ve made it through college and maintained optimistic about the good parts of the United State from picking out people on the web who happened to align alongside me; and feel a shared sorrow for all the people I’ve missed out on here and in university because of how I’ve filtered for ‘people’, but also one that remains optimistic since the nature of the space gives us so many more opportunities to meet and connect again and again.) Staying up for hours, ranting over a specific topic, the wonder of hearing someone’s voice, never having a dearth of things to talk about, feeling a tangible, shared language develop, measures and signals for presence. There’s a unique joy in finding people who come with genuine graciousness and sincerity, formed of initial binding connections and all the surprising overlaps that happen thereafter.

Connection reliant on physical meeting points are now outdated as the web offers more modes of proximity and intimacy. The advent of the internet has allowed us to filter (for better or for worse) people and let us signal ourselves in ways we desire. Some of my most meaningful friendships have formed themselves from niche intersections in deep subreddits or forums, especially ones propelled by shared creativity & theorization. These seemingly cursory and ephemeral intersections aren’t too distant from say, the university space, especially for people who can go deep into these interests (and only have space for them in the digital realm). Global voices and influences (when cultivated intentionally), a natural openness to adapt to remote tooling, and potential for flexible forms of collaboration and co-working turn distributed networks into inimitable tools for gathering.

I think back to the concept of Community Memory which Mike Tully wrote wonderfully on in the Are.na Annual. The 1970s project aimed to provide people with access to a computer to exchange information within their communities, inspired by a technological approach to community organizing. While rendered obsolete in the next decades as personal computing outshone the project’s terminals housed in laundromats and co-ops, there’s much to learn about the relationship we should have with our technological tools and the benefits they can bring with gathering (offline and online) and preservation. I wonder if it is time to re-embrace the project in a time of surveillance and digital hostility—returning back to local spaces and informal exchange where a resistance of the centralized cloud and web brings about the resurgence of community care and trust. While this project was reliant on the present of physical machines (and oftentimes, peers to guide new technologists to the use of these terminals), these same principles can be brought about on a global scale on alternative peer-to-peer networks or likewise. What would a contemporary Community Memory project look like?

Reliance on digital software changes how communication and distribution looks. Reading through Annalisa Pelizza’s Communities at a Crossroads has helped influence a lot of my thinking about ‘technosocial assemblage’ There’s more to distribution and community-building afforded by the internet than ‘communication and information is more accessible than ever’. There are questions of how (and if) humans were even meant to process instantaneous information transfer; a common mistake (that I’m also making here) is also writing off all digital communities as operating under similar systems and constraints when the platform of choice embeds so much layer to socialization. Biases and constructs inscribed by software become part of or are just as important (depending on how you look at it) as organic rituals, as technology dictates what rituals are possible. Much of this flourishing is dependent on accessibility and visibility, which is also configurable. This is why I’m fascinated by tools, their potential, and the role they play in shaping systems and placemaking as we consider their access and distribution: it radically transforms entire ecologies. The space we are allowed to occupy on the internet is infinite and one all at once.

Community is preservation. A transition motivated from the ‘Community Memory’ project, of course. This statement stems a lot from my personal relationship with the web: I trust in it because it is a form of witnessing of myself and for myself. When I am moved to produce, write, and code, I am creating the space in which I want to exist, document, and present myself as. In my personal space and servers on the internet, I hold my memory in control. I transfer these documents to a flash drive, holding physical media that might outlast the digital. I erase what I would like to have erased. Still, it is the most powerful record I have of myself—powerful not because it is lasting, but because I have control over it. My personal memory is incredibly hazy; I find myself recollecting things only through the last artifacts I’ve left online of that era. I don’t have anyone else to tell me what happened.

Witnessing fragile institutional memory in college organizations didn’t give me much faith, either. The internet doesn’t offer a safehaven against decaying memory and is designed that way, which is part of why I’m careful to emphasize the internet as an archive we could have agency over than something that is permanent. (If you want, you can consider permanence and immutability on the blockchain. That’s not something I want to talk about right now, though.)

But a community is a group of individuals working to form culture by preserving the instances most meaningful to itself in time. It is sustained through community belief and action, ideally acting as an evolving mirror of shared meaning.

I like thinking about the information role of cities. In A City Is Not A Computer, Shannon Mattern examines and critiques the Sidewalks Lab-ification of urban spaces—the tired promise of ‘smart cities’ and all their failures. The circuit board looks like a city, but so do the veins of the leaf. I want to hold onto the importance of storage and information ecology when shaped not by a select few or left in the hands of those in power imposing a surveillance state; I want to know what communal memory and information storage looks like if the writing of history and its preservation is equally accessible to every citizen—which I believe can be enabled by technology and distanced from the centuries-long issue of history preservation. Mattern considers physical city sites like universities, laboratories, hospitals, etc. as all having distinct orientations towards urban intelligence. Living in New Haven with a storied history of exploitation from Yale and firsthand witnessing the callousness of these students and the death of any form of accountability is just one example of how traditional structures of intelligence and consciousness have failed. In my early learning about archival and library sciences, I made the mistake of conflating archives and libraries (and there’s an ongoing war on the lines between the two, anyway). In my personal life, I’m attempting to preserve my own self and cursorily creating records of sounds and ambient matter around New Haven. I exchange handmade cassette tapes with these recordings to friends in the Philippines, trading their birdsong and commute clatter for coffee shop mornings and routine garbage collection trucks. What does memory look like when everyone’s narrative is preserved? What does a true picture of a city look like? Can we eventually live so that I know not just whatever laws or major events happened in a year, but what one family felt in a fall morning as the light poured through their blinds?

“City-making is always, simultaneously, an enactment of city-knowing — which cannot be reduced to computation,” Mattern finishes her wonderful article with this. Communities are made and preserved by simple virtue of shared knowing and witnessing; people stay in communities because they feel they are witnessed and are there to witness. I could’ve written about the conditions in which archives and documentation are generated, but it is obvious, just as this observation on how preservation presumes witnessing. Any community that grows together writes, watches, and witnesses the growing, and I’m hopeful for a time where we can build upon the proper tools and foundations to facilitate this collective witnessing and memory-making.

(And this is all about never feeling alone, and watching one another, and what technologies might bring us there…)

Community is the generation and distribution of culture. The best example of this and what is still my most important (& ongoing) work is Developh—particularly in its position interrogating the western technology canon in its application to the global south. Since our founding in 2016, we’ve evolved into what we like to call a ‘critical’ technology institute in the Philippines, now removed from our coding bootcamp-esque roots that focused on accessibility and education without a more holistic understanding of the pipeline we were encouraging people to partake in. Our most consistent work is teaching (where we host 50+ events annually, though have been taking a bit of a break this year; consider us as a more extreme Index Space that doesn’t receive any funding) with focus on platforming marginalized & less visible spaces in technology and the creation of social activations and campaigns (from political projects, fellowships, archives, and more). I continue to run Developh with growing engagement from the Filipino diaspora because the question of responsibility by Filipino technologists, the role we play in maintaining and dismantling technology structures, etc. continues to be more and more relevant. As systems that exploit Filipino labor conditions, capital-driven trends that prey on misunderstanding of the field (Filipinos rank #1 in NFT ownership according to some reports; while I’ve been much averse to web3 I do see some practical uses — but can’t help but wonder why this is the case when under the common read of its reliance on greater fool theory), and disinformation that led to the re-election of previously ousted fascist dictators thrive, we fight. We commit ourselves to growing a ‘radical technology movement’. This takes form in the arts & culture, such as promoting creative code; promoting what it means to develop more poetic software in an industry filled with bootcamps, IDEO-brand design thinking, and solely service-level pipelines to design/development careers in everything from student organizations to art school education; uplifting the application of technologies for explicitly leftist, progressive movements and ideals by reclaiming software. Leaning into art and cultural institutions that have upheld local activist movements, we recognize that the production of technology is also the production of culture—it is not a solely commercial or career act (as it is formally treated) and has far more potential to shape Philippine society.

Culture is inherently tied to groups and institutions, and thus propagated by them. The technology that Developh concerns itself with (that is, digital technologies which power the communities and modes of publishing I’m interested in; though publishing/books itself are of course, also technologies) is essential to its culture-building, particularly because it operates under a culture that has been destabilized by its misuse. As we Filipinos are especially subject to many of technology’s adverse effects, our culture has been irreversibly shifted and formed under its authority. Then, it is also our interest to reclaim it and shape it with the same tool that has impaired our country. To do so, we’re presently interested in and heavily engaged with reforming cultural attitudes and norms around our interactions with technology. This begins with student and industry sectors we have long been collaborating with, and in our growing level of collaborations with art and activist stakeholders. In shifting national thinking about technology, we embark on the task of contesting the harmful culture it has presented.
(More specific thoughts on Developh’s role in culture-building to come in our manifesto!)

Outside Developh, it’s obvious that culture is the result of shared beliefs, practices, and customs. It’s possible that culture is especially resonant only in that community space, and that this resonance—if hard to find elsewhere—becomes invaluable where it can thrive. If not only present when participating in the community, I think about how much of myself has been made as products of participation in even the most fleeting of my time in spaces because I witnessed what beliefs and selfhood emerged in their spaces.

Community is connection. I think the most important thing is for people to feel interconnected and acknowledge interdependence. In a world of nihilism and often facile forms of communication that only breed loneliness, there is already so much value in ensuring that others, feel loved and very present with one another.

I want to see people and be there for them. More than that, I want to connect people to one another. I love to make spaces and then leave them. Seeing what people leave with, most often leaving with less than they have gained, makes me feel most satisfied. My disclaimer to all of this is that nothing needs to be permanent; I’m not forming the space for people to settle down, but I’m interested in forming spaces that provide specific emotional and creative value where sustained care hasn’t historically been found. Navigating this era of loneliness is interesting when you consider the technologies around us. In theory, there is so much around us that could facilitate communication

I’ve most felt meaningful when I felt small and insignificant, but wanted nevertheless. Maybe this is a cruel wording of it. I’m thinking of when I sit in a forest clearing, surrounded by the echoes and song of birds that I can’t see but must be all around me, where my skin is touched by scattering sunlight running from the canopy. Basking in awe, there is no conclusion for me to come to other than belief in the human tendency to create meaning out of nothing and share it with one another—as unnecessary as it is, how intuitive it is to be a part of this life. I feel safest in communities that welcome me and bring about these idyllic positions for immersion while also being transparent about the roughness of the world it operates in, if that makes sense or might also be me projecting self-destructive tendencies. I like it when I can bring myself into a system and help bring it structure, knowing that what I am part of is a collective set of values & beliefs that I can transfer fragments of myself unto without being contingent on taking my whole self. Optionality is meaningful in social spaces like this because it reinforces the continuous commitment of staying and providing and listening as ones we have complete agency over.


Projects

Developh

Now repositioned as a ‘critical technology institute’ to better carry ourselves and frame our work from hereon, Developh is my life’s work and one of the many things that connects me strongly to home. I’m continuing to work on Developh, figure out the ideal system to maintain it and welcome contributors & more initiatives, be more assertive about our ways of ‘reclaiming’ technology and our relationship with a tumultuous political landscape, and of course — make it more sustainable.

The organization has been in standstill for the past few months as we ended our Fellowship program (many thanks to Bianca and Nikki for co-running it with me and for being amazing facilitators). My latest project for it has been developing the Martial Law Index. What differentiates this from other projects is active conversations with researchers, cultural workers, activist, and art groups. We’ve often operated in a silo or only in partnership with the technology industry, which has always been frustrating because these institutions often have us make many ethical compromises, have us withhold full acting power, or are just boring to work with.

I’m spending these months rebranding the organization, preparing us for a season of new events, and working across exciting projects with focus on publishing and profiling our community.

Social Engagement

Before I leave New Haven (and the northeast, potentially) I want to host cute little ‘social engagement’ type events like I used to do in high school under Developh. Dinner party vibes but with a special interest or focus intertwined.

I’m challenging myself to set something up every 2.5 weeks: a HTML writing picnic on Cross Campus with cheese boards, Wikipedia page writing and a little fundraiser of prints for the foundation, ambient music and zinemaking at a coffee shop, burn your own CD and make a mixtape. Paired with little invitations and ephemera that people can take home. I hope to document these events to make them reproducible, and hope that I can leave something special for the few who do choose to make it.

If you’re around New Haven this summer and are interested, stay tuned or text me for details. (Email me or DM me anywhere I am if you don’t have my number yet.) If you want to co-organize or have an idea for a gathering, that would be so exciting.

Label & Press

I want to start a global label & press, because I want to experiment with our relationship to the internet, media formats, & memory, look into what collaboration and creativity means when shaped interculturally, and release not only music or zines solely, but curate, facilitate, and release experiences.

(By global I likely mean the Philippines and United States for now, which is where the people I love tend to be spread around—)

Listening experiences on streaming are vastly different from when we flip a record on our turntable. Archival labels are a form of preservation and re-presentation, but what material accompanies them? I’m a sucker for ARGs and intentional release efforts. I want to put things together from myself and friends that present more cohesive and intentional forms of engaging with ephemeral media, facilitate collaboration, and of course, learn from the entire process of conceptualizing to releasing material

On media: I’ve been personally experimenting with very limited physical releases of material on tape and CD. They’re accessible, reproducible, and the right amount of esoteric & quirked up that interests me. I like to be able to be in control of circulation, and ever since lying about loving Stan Brakhage in my ‘Intro to Visual Thinking’ class I realized I actually really do fucking love Stan Brakhage and wrote 20,000 words on him and Bill Morrison’s Light is Calling that played with degradation of the medium. I’m figuring out what should exist on physical vs digital storage mediums, the ephemerality of the web, and control. I started putting flowers into tape loops after spending hours making silly little tape loops and bending them across surfaces.

I placed my thesis on floppy discs (yes, I bought a reader), flash drives, and CDs. It lives on the internet, but is bundled with different materials on these physical mediums. Changing a tracklisting or accompanying material is a simple way of playing with how material should be engaged with on its area of presentation, but already more interesting than one that just collates a roster and puts things out on a webstore. Curation and distribution can be made far more interesting.

I obviously am not the go-to place for the next bedroom Alex G clone, but I’m interested in the experimental, sound art, and deeply personal/intimate material. This would be positioned as a weird, artsy label that releases material of many kinds.
Metalabel has been propagating this type of thinking about ‘releases’ lately, where Mschf is a strong example. Small labels like Room40 (in its release of artist books and interesting collaborations) and morsels.website (especially the parish council ‘boring conversation’ release that is accompanied by boringconversation.chat) also speak to this.

I’ve been brewing a field recording project that collects sounds from the Philippines and United States, mailing and exchanging sounds and tiny artifacts as ways to preserve a moment. I’m making ambient music for the purpose of (right now, poorly) preserving a feeling when the recording of an environment alone isn’t enough to capture my engagement with the world around me. I’m wondering what these field recording experiments would look like online: places that you can walk to and feel inhabited on the web that soon degrade; journal entries and clippings attached to limited releases of material—control over how things circulate. Crafting experiences that engage on a level more than the listening of a record, the flipping of a book, play intentionally with scarcity, etc. cement even the most mundane narratives into our psyche with a special type of beauty; it becomes an act of preservation that works across mediums to most effectively transcend them.

If you’re interested in these ideas and might want to work with me on a release label (of music, printed matter, games, etc.) or give me advice because I don’t know anything, let me know: [email protected]

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Vanilla Arucan — Women in Philippine Postage Stamps — https://www.vanillaarucan.com/WIPPS

Tiny Publishing Projects & Archives

I have other seasonal publishing projects brewing with Developh and independently (for now).

After advisory over the past year from Manuel Miranda under a Yale Independent Study I’ve been thinking about the form philippine.design should take as an archive of national graphic design history, with interest in publishing, interviews, and supporting smaller hyperlocal archives like Vanilla Arucan’s Women in Philippine Postage Stamps and Clara Balaguer + Czyka Tumaliuan of Kwago’s work in presenting Edwin Tayao’s signpainting work in a formal exhibition space.

Edwin Tayao — signpainter, typographer, artist, from Kwago — https://www.instagram.com/p/Cck1PByvyWP/

Aside from philippine.design, Developh has been interested in better understanding the Filipino relationship to technology by dissecting our personal histories with the web and computing through Kakakompyuter Mo Yan (a riff off a common Tagalog complaint on kids who are extremely online, which is anyone). I’m also intent on getting Filipino technologists to just read more and draw from local contexts, politics, and histories better (rather than the tech formula that focuses on zeroing in on some niche field that provides little to no cultural value) through Technology.ph, which hosts essays from me and Bianca. Both projects hope to present digital journals in the next months and hopefully culminate in print issues before the end of the year.

Outside of the Philippine technology sphere, I’ve been thinking a lot about the nature of authenticity on the internet (very original, I’m aware) and what digital intimacy means. Close.events is an online zine (that I wanted to put together during the semester and am hoping to revisit) engaged in interventions, facilities, software, and art that explores internet presence.

Printing out Chia’s teenage journal

I’m compiling entries from this blog and private, password-protected ones in an artists’ book. I’ve written over a million words as a teenager and they’re all weirdly depressing, naive, and pitiful. This is another attempt at self-preservation and a big one towards my fascination at sharing my entire life to an audience of no one in particular.

Journal entries, film stills, tiny software pieces, unfinished games, half-baked assets from over the years… edited together in pastel and crayon illustrations made over the past decade, or something like that. I’m not sure if anyone but myself would be interested in this, but it’s definitely going to jump up in value a little once I die.

When there is a desire to invent a world

Reading Time: 51 minutes

FOREWORD

This is for my friends, the people who love me, and most of all, for me. 

If you know me, I’ve been having a difficult time thinking about who I am, what I want to do, and the life I want to shape. I’ve been alone and lonely, wandering listlessly between states where I am bursting with love and then emaciated from it. I’ve been figuring out what I want to do for the rest of my life and what I want to do with the present. Trying to understand how much of the world around me is mine to keep, how much of it I must give in service, and who I am in the middle.

This piece is scattered, unedited, and reads more like a series of journal entries (because that’s how it had come to be).

a long, autobiographical personal reflection and recollection on creation. what making has meant to me, paracosms, people, tmi snippets of childhood, love, my biggest influence, god, or: a personal history with worldmaking. or: a love letter and vow to co-creation, communally shaped futures, and faith in the things human beings can imagine, the beauty of having faith in one another, and what we can will into existence

tw: death, mental illness

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Theophany

The reason you would create anything
is because you love it enough to see it exist.

I have always been making worlds. They’ve existed within the one we live in today, one no truer than the other. When I was a child, I would be infuriated with every single television show in existence. Painful obliviousness in the congested Filipino dubs of Dora, nonsensical plotlines in Barney and the fact that there was no Filipino girl there (later, I found out that Pia Manalo is Filipino, surname telling enough, but was written to be Chinese), dissatisfaction with the interior design of homes in Rolie Polie Olie. Like many kids, television would be the last thing I’d indulge in before bed; in my young mind, it was thus the perfect time to watch things that would make myself feel irrationally angry by choice. I used to share my criticisms with my parents if they were awake at all. More often than not, they were exhausted from hospital rounds, coming into the bedroom we all slept in to collapse into bed, the precious 30-minutes or so of their waking time with me spent on checking if I had done homework or if I had eaten. So on the mattress on the floor, eyes level with the television, volume turned down low enough, I would let all this fury riot in my mind. Cartoon Network and all its grave sins, Animax and its unforgivable overdubs––how nothing was enough to satisfy me until it was mine. I’d close my eyes and relive the scenes that had just taken place and rewrite them. New plot, cast, self-insert, crossover. The worlds on television would blur into mine.

Later on, I’d tell stories. My sister and I would sneak over to the living room-dining room-office room hybrid we had to take a handful of Letter sheets, constantly depleting our printer reams. I taught myself how to make zines before I knew what zines were: fold eight times to get the most economical use out of it, make a careful cut in the center, begin drawing. My subjects were vast: how my day went, Naruto fancomics, ambiguous fantasy tales (not inspired by Harry Potter at the very least, because I could not get into it), blueprints for fictional cities and malls (mostly malls, because that was all we knew). One particular masterpiece was this cross-section of a particularly tall office building that I would build on by laying pieces of paper atop one another. A floor was dedicated to staples and another four were dedicated to all the clothes in the world, and I loved drawing the squiggling coils of landlines in the arms of little anime pencil pushers and concocting the world’s most inefficient elevator placements. After coming home one day, I found out that the tiny pile was tossed into the trash and was told that I should stop wasting so much paper. I still wonder how many reams worth of worlds I had made by then.
During family gatherings, I was voluntary entertainment: proud herald of a new world’s news. I’d flip cheap, flimsy saddle-stitch notebooks with laminate piecing them together, blue-red-blue lines meekly standing in as a backdrop to wars, rituals, and incantations. I used to make excessive hand motions when I spoke and let out the biggest grins, and then I became hyperaware and invisible so started covering my mouth. These tactics were especially useful years later when I had no one left to talk to and had to sway people through the raw forms of the story alone with no accompaniment. As you grow up, people become less interested in your performance and art in general.

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JUNE 2010

When I was in fourth grade I was in the ‘weird’ group of kids. (This statement is also true for the entirety of my education up to the tertiary level.) My primary interests were ballet, anime, Warcraft III, and buying notebooks to fill a quarter of the pages with some stories or encyclopedic collections about little fantasy worlds, then to shelve it and never pick it up again. I brought the Letter sheets of paper to school and arranged them into a landscape 2×2 grid, telling my friends that we should draw maps together. One paper would be dedicated to a free-range farm with crude illustrations of cows and bees, the other a modernist concrete cabin assembled almost entirely out of 45-degree angles. On the corner, a name for each expansive homestead we’d create. We’d scribble on these in the middle of class then reconnect them when we could get the chance. Flip it over, and we would zoom out to the proto-map connecting each of our letter paper grids and the neighborhoods, cities, and all the terrible transportation systems ten-year-olds could conceive.

During mass or other dull school activities, we would always sit by alphabetical order in the school theater or on bleachers. I was lucky enough to sit next to one of these friends, a young boy who really liked World War history and Hetalia. We would conceive of intricate timelines behind the worlds we drew on the map, and I soon found out that he had a world of his own. He detailed political systems and economies to me, and in return I would tell him about the magic systems and new leaders that had risen in mine. After receiving the Eucharist, we’d kneel and then talk about what forms ‘belief’ took in our worlds, and then the one we were present in. After the two-hour car ride home, I would dig through the Bible, reading through creation myths and highlighting the most interesting parts of how this God had razed cities and then salvaged them and therefore humanity. Neopets was also a big inspiration: I’d take the retrospectively crudely named Faerieland and its Hidden Tower, transposing a near-identical replica unto my crude copy of the Guiting-Guiting ranges. My stories, people, and places now strung together in a loose multiverse, simmering in my head and borrowed from everything I knew about the world, ever-evolving.

*

Is this all something about being forever high-functioning and mourning the worlds I had made? I was told to look up maladaptive daydreaming when I tweeted about this at age 19 and 21. Rereading its definition on Wikipedia over and over, I can’t pinpoint a single experience of mine that precisely *clicks* with it; this is surprising, since usually I read a page acutely describing conditions that I had thought were completely normal and click out finding I have four new issues to think about. Maladaptive daydreaming is just when one excessively daydreams that it interrupts with daily life. A child is absorbed in fantasy, the TikToker quirkily gives a rundown on the chaos in their mind over the worst English dub of Neon Genesis Evangelion you’ve ever heard, you’re out eating lunch and hear the next group of girls over talking about how they love making up fake scenarios at 2AM while listening to Spotify. Specifically, many escape into these worlds to conjure something brighter, to make themselves beloved. Phoebe Bridgers sings about dissociation, and so this truth is universal. The image constructed is addicting, almost euphoric when it occurs. Those drowning in it further detach, waiting for the next time their headspace consumes the world around them.

I don’t know if this was my precise condition, or I might be so deluded to think that I have the willpower, the means of control to determine whether my head was in this reality or not. This world of mine was not a retreat. My relationship to it was more of a project; the world was an exercise in storytelling, art, systems, then collage, code, animation, digital video. I would never mention it to the people around me, or if I really had to, framed it in a “this would be a really fun D&D set-up to use” kind of way. Not that fantasy and escapism is ridiculous: I was surrounded by a loving group of friends who enjoyed Homestuck fan animations and conjured a dozen fake personas to place themselves in online when I would always just use my same old name. There was a very definitive link I had with the world and reality, a then-unspoken contract to the knowledge transfer of this world unto mine. There was the place where I lived, and another where I was a distant god.

Maybe it was a question of fortitude, or how this model of distance was easy to grasp because it wasn’t familiar from the one present in Catholicism. There was however, this weird recurring dream I’d have about the zombie apocalypse and how I had always been physically turned, but had the mental fortitude to resist whatever brain-warping, soulsucking force was turning people lifeless. I’d be stuck in hordes of zombies, the fall of society, but would still be me inside. In some dreams I would find the cure or be the voice and reverse humanity, and in other dreams I would watch helplessly as everyone turned with the earth paradoxically hollow with flowers beginning to sprout from the pavement––but never me.

And for so many years I believed that I had this willpower. I had a special strength in me whenever I made, whenever I closed my eyes and believed, whenever my hands would fasten themselves around something or write code or organize truths that would turn into fiction in reality. For as long as I was alive, whatever would be fastened around my hands would never die. It was almost like I was imparting a part of my own being and fibers into the things I could construct, but so forth the existence of these things would drive me further. 

*

I looked up how my friends have been doing lately. Two of them, including Hetalia guy, are thriving in the Philippine’s most prestigious medical school program, the other is an architect. That year we were classmates wasn’t our only encounter. In high school, I dragged them down more rabbitholes and created apps and games with them––when pen and paper weren’t sustainable. I wonder if they know how I’m doing.


Sometimes I feel like there exists histories worth of context needed for people to really, really understand me. Meaning: I grew up extremely online, in the age of the internet, which is in itself a world of its own with the provisional universal language of memes and extremist rabbitholes. Socially, college has been an exhausting experience as I would have to introduce myself repeatedly, unsuccessful in the art of tactfully choosing how to explain what you do / who you are / what you desire because I was stubborn in my method and desired outcome. The internet was a more welcome respite from the real world’s tricks and codes, toughened by how there were a million more dimensions and variables to analyze too. Maybe it’s my mental gymnastics, or maybe I believe that the fragments of myself I let peer through are far more deep and ‘true’ to what my actual being is. Writing has become my means to understand myself, but more fundamentally, to even know what I think. When someone requires slow, cherrypicked doses of myself I get bored––I have worlds to make.

‘Unhinged’ comes to mean ‘sincere’ in-person. My most meaningful interactions with people came when we were fully unashamed of our interests, our desires, what we wanted, so desperate to tell each other stories and craving ones that we could make on our own. Whenever people resolve to return to the awe they had in their childhood, I wonder if this is what they are truly craving for: the unfiltered self they spend the rest of their lives uncovering.


JULY 2010

Still in the fourth grade, my parents didn’t come home one night. My sister and I received a call from a family friend who told us that both of them had to work overtime. There was this weird, deep gnawing in the pit of my stomach after I put the phone down. It wasn’t infrequent for them to not go home, but the delivery was peculiar and the voice disquieting. There was something gravely wrong about the call on a random weekday in July, the timing of it all.  My feet suddenly felt like they were levitating, stinging, blistering all at once. The necks on my hair were prickling and then suddenly not there, and the hum of the air conditioner became this cruel cooing. I turned it off in the 34 degree weather and didn’t notice how much I was sweating until I touched my palms on the table. I opened Facebook on the family computer and saw condolences strewn on the feed. My grandfather had died.

The next day, we skipped breakfast and school as our parents came in the morning to pick us up and drive to the province. I heard the car horn and watched my father walk up the stairs first: Visibly trembling, looking as if he was figuring out how to tell us the news. I met him halfway down and told him that we already knew. I was ten years old.
My mother followed ten minutes after. Rustling downstairs. I didn’t know it then, but she had spent the past day next to her dad’s hospital bed after rushing down from work hours away in Manila after she received word of the accident. Everything happened in just a few hours. Instead of greeting us, she held her head down and walked straight into our spare room––the guest room with nothing but a bare mattress on frame––and wailed. It was the most painful, agonizing sound I had ever heard though it happened a decade ago. (For a few years I watched leaked videos of people dying to try and erase that sound from my head; there is nothing as guttural than hearing the rawest pang from someone you love.) I didn’t go to school for the next two weeks.

Lolo was incredibly loved. His vigil lasted for what felt like centuries, just like the life he had lived, yet it was still barely enough.

I slept on the floor of my mother’s childhood bedroom upstairs with half a dozen of my other cousins and our cousins’ cousins, and some nights I wouldn’t sleep at all. It was dusty, painfully summery, and never a moment of silence. Everyone in our extended family paused everything in their lives to return to his home and celebrate the memory of him. The cousins, titos, and titas with American citizenship that hadn’t been to the Philippines in decades, his surviving brothers and his wives’ surviving sisters, all the people I had ever seen at church including the priests and nuns themselves, his biker friends, the garbage collectors and the gravekeepers that would then lay him down, unlikely combinations of family friends who would text us photos of themselves coincidentally on the same PAL flight back to Manila, the homeless who he would invite into his dinner table to eat with him… what seemed like the entire municipality of 300,000. A life of giving. His city.

There’s a Filipino custom called ‘abuloy’ where people bring pockets of white envelopes filled with cash to ease the financial burden on the grieving family. Instead, all these people came in, were fed, and then returned the most miraculous tellings about his life.
Adobo, rice, and fish were prepared in deep buckets that we’d eat with paper plates and plastic utensils. When the plastic utensils ran out and droves went out to buy more, we would palm the rice with our hands. All I remember feeling was immensely bloated all the time, eyes puffing nonstop. One of my relatives told me that it looked like it came in waves: My knees and lower legs stained red from picking up crimson pigment from the floor glaze, grooves and indentations depressed bumps from the pebble tile spacers. My soggy plate on the monobloc, chewing slowly, and my chest suddenly heaving, tears falling down my face and onto the plate. Then I would go on normally, chewing, and then a swallow. I stopped being able to tell when I was crying. 

His casket was laid out on the corner of the living room, next to a well-sized statue of the Virgin Mary and Jesus. There would be a mass held every night, such that a lectern was even brought in. Every other hour, the faces in the room would shuffle in and out as they jointly prayed the rosary. Women with webbed hands and powdered faces, all the doors open so that everyone in the house could join in on prayer. I was missing around midterms period, so had a rapidly accumulating nest of work that awaited me. My teachers emailed me homework and handouts that I’d answer in the corner of the bedroom. The internet connection in the home didn’t reach upstairs, so I would bring my bulky laptop up and down to load the next worksheet or reference page. It took me ages to get through a sea of people to greet, hug, kiss each time––passing through the living room, waiting for service to pass. People who haven’t stepped foot in years gathered again, from all around the country and world. The home was blessed with stories, unruly and unbelievable, vividly retold as if he was still fresh in their minds. Thousands of lives and moments that intersected with this one man. You could barely swallow the tremendousness of his life, if we were even meant to at all.
Slowly, the stories would then turn to ones about ourselves. The past decade of history, what we have been doing lately, how the business has been going, when the babies are coming, commentary on bits of the house that had changed, the last renovations made topical. A childhood home that had turned into a space of new life. How many relationships had begun here? How many people were not only returning home to a place, but to each other? I often think about what it would be like if he were in the room on any of those nights. How holy he treasured every life around him; he would avidly listen to every single voice and impart on them a particular kindness and sense of understanding for the world that would have one leave the conversation brimming with ideas on the world––how they could be a better person themselves. His story was not going to end in this room. A handful of people even ended up abandoning their lives in America to return home to the Philippines, a fact you could sense coming the moment everyone started to make plans to go to brunches together for after the burial date. There was sorrow and a deep renascence in this endless web he had spun. The wake almost felt like a beginning.

Monobloc chairs were scattered in the garden, the garage, dining room, every inch of the space beyond the bedroom hallways to attend to growing attendees and passersby. Each chair had our initials carved at the back––for which stacks of it were already ready whenever he’d open his doors, testament to how many he constantly welcomed into his home. More stacks of chairs came in as more people and returnees showed up to join us each day. Two small parishes had sent over chairs for us to borrow. I witnessed reunions every hour. Everyone’s mouth smelled of eggs and the sun in the morning, turning into cigarettes and Tanduay at night. They told countless stories about the way he lived and loved in English, Tagalog, Bisaya, and then a dozen other languages that I couldn’t understand. They slurred, wailed, and laughed. Sometimes, someone would just burst into laughter and recall a memory they shared with him and others would join on. Groups of family, friends, and strangers flickered between these emotions until they couldn’t breathe anymore. From another room, I heard someone say “sasabog na ata ako, pero di ko alam kung dahil sa mata, dibdib, o puso ko.” I feel like I’m going to burst, but I’m not sure if it’s because of my eyes, chest, or heart.

Whether I was sitting on the floor, sunken into the couch, sneaking by the recitation of the fourth decade of the rosary, or peering from the upstairs, I could feel so viscerally this unique oneness that I felt with every person who stepped into our home. We all were loved by him and we all loved him. 

*

On our first day there, my dad asked me if I wanted to go up to the casket. I nodded, because it seemed like the right thing to do. Take one last look to see the image of my grandfather embalmed, at peace, maybe with a few less wrinkles on his forehead––the funerary home’s idea of what he looked like before the accident. I knew it would not be an accurate portrayal, just another tribute. I knew what his hand felt like, still. I knew that there was a sharp image of him in my mind that I would never lose and this moment would never be representative of how I had known him. 

Right before I walked up, my dad gripped my hand and asked me if I really wanted to do this. I gave a weaker nod.

I tipped my toes, brushed against the white lace, and felt the sharpest pain I had ever felt in my life as I had tilted for the slightest glance. Suddenly everything was searing. Heavy. Something was stabbing my body. I felt like I was about to vomit and tasted orange & iron. All in a split second. To any outsider, it had looked like I probably just went up and walked out, right away, stunned. I briskly walked back up to my mother’s childhood bedroom, thankfully empty in the midday, and I mirrored her cry.

*

I used to spend entire summers in my grandparents’ home. Unlike our house in Metro Manila where all you could really do was stay inside, they had an expansive lot––actual yards, places to walk, people, trees, flowerbeds, grass! The adults would drink beer and gossip in the garden, and I would roll around tiny elevations and hills, assemble little structures with loose twigs and rocks I found, and craft treasure hunts with trails of Letter paper notes for the others to embark on. There was a pool that I couldn’t take more than two strides beyond the steps in because I didn’t know how to swim, so they bought me the same floaties I would use for the next five years. My grandfather taught me how to play chess and then lived through the variants I would make up, let me sit beside him as he played Solitaire or typed up work documents at an excruciatingly slow pace, lent me his golfing clubs, snuck me and my sister out of mass so we could sip on vanilla sundaes with chocolate syrup at the restaurant across while listening to our stories, and printed & framed my drawings of flower fields & castles off MSPaint. 

He was the only other person I ever told about the world in my head. I would show him my report card, tell him a story about my classmates, and then ask him if he wanted to know about a new monarch that had risen to power in my ‘magic world’ since we last spoke. Obliging, I would relay the events to him and then he would respond by telling me his own stories and experiences supporting his city, seeing it grow. He took my ideas seriously and challenged them. He liked the urban planning maps I did and my constructions of how exchanging ‘magic powers’ in the world could look like. Proud of my process, I showed him websites and what I was learning on Photoshop torrent. We took a tricycle to his office and then he showed me around the city building, said hello to every single person who passed by, and made sure to introduce me as I grinned and said hello back.

Lots of these worlds were contained in my laptop. I was an early connoisseur of found footage, repurposing stock images, stolen YouTube videos, and licensed Kevin MacLeod tunes to tell stories. I absolutely loathed when anyone came near my work but him, so much that the UrbanDictionary definition that my cousins wrote still is up:

chia. someone who is excessively protective of their laptop
why are you being so chia?

*

Drawing from television, I told him about this commercial I saw of a group of kids bringing planks of wood, blankets, and pillows to a loose frame of a cabin overlooking the ocean. I told him I wanted to have something like that, a little playhouse in a place where I could have grass to run around and bring in pillows and draw on the walls. Under this roof, things would be different: I would read and tell stories and everyone would be a part of writing something new. I showed him blueprints (hand drawn by me) of the ‘ideal’ house planted on an empty lot, and my conjured version for my world, where every town in this country would have the equivalent of the American suburb with this building copy-pasted a hundredfold instead. 

A few weeks and some visits later, I came to the garden and saw planks and buckets of pink and yellow paint. He had arranged to build this tiny little house, but with a swiveling door and an open window. It was even smaller than the size of a plastic outdoor playhouse you’d see on Walmart; it fit the vision in my head, atop the fictitious cliffs I detailed him, myth come reality. I sat inside with my sister and just stared at the roof that he had put over my head, my heart swelling for what he had constructed from me, what was once an idea and something in my hand. He peered inside and asked me if it was like what I had imagined, and I told him it was even better. It is the greatest thing someone ever has and will ever gift me.


AFTER JULY 2010

After, I was in some form of slow, dysthymic suffering that I still feel like I mostly mentally imparted on myself––which I want to believe, is a generally reasonable feeling from any ten-year-old dealing with immense loss for the first time. In my head or perhaps truly so, everyone else also understood that there was this special connection my grandfather had with me. There was the kind attentiveness any grandparent pays to their grandchildren coupled with the unspoken history of him and my grandmother being my substitute parents (i.e. the ones who would show up at school award ceremonies), and the tangible artifacts of what he had left for me. A week after I had returned to Manila and school, I dreamt that I was in the garden and saw a butterfly circling me. I stayed still and swore I could hear his voice. I relayed it to my mother, who relayed it to her siblings and my grandmother, who relayed it to the entire extended family. The next time we returned to the province, they drank a bit more than usual and had extra ashtrays out. When I circled the table to greet everyone, they stopped me and exclaimed, “we can’t believe you saw him.”

After the funeral, I found it harder to find time to think about the imaginary world I had made. When I lost one of the only adult voices who ever took me seriously about it, I had just assumed a part of it died, too. 

There was this dullness inside of me that was the mortifying part, not the sadness. My life was filled with models for grief and anger, but what frightened me most was apathy. There was this insensitivity inside of me, completely new for someone who had only been familiar with anxiety and the laughter that came afterwards. I didn’t know what to do with my hands for a brief period of time. I was mortified of dreaming again and tossed aside the dream journals I had, only letting myself go to sleep once I deemed myself as exhausted as my parents. I needed to make things that I would never have to touch again.

I focused on being present in this world. I started performing harder in school and began consuming things more intentionally, reconsidering what inputs I had (or: what I am hyperfixated over). At school, my identity was one engrossed in places of fiction not in consumption, but in creation. I was the stupid kind of teenager who proudly stated that I never read anything in the age of the YA-turned-mediocre blockbuster movie part of the 2010s, though others genuinely couldn’t tell since it seems like I always had something to say–and more believably, had something made out of whatever was of interest to me. There were a lot of similar people in practice that I found like this over the internet, but fewer so in-person. It was strange, because I couldn’t discuss popular culture (and even intentionally made Twitter accounts to scroll through generic @Dory accounts to know what jokes were trending) but was edified in ways of making. I talked to people less and focused more on screens, because it remembered the things about me and never chastised my failures by taking something away, depriving me of my chance to refashion something. Awkward, sensitive, and painfully introverted, I was simply focused on creating. I didn’t know it, but I was stirring things that would late come back to serve me, something I couldn’t articulate then.
Because I’m an imperfect kid, whatever rebellious popular media existed in America was directly imported to the Philippines and I loved all of it. Cliche mall radio emo music, the extensive global plots on Neopets, every variant of Battle Royale ripoff (this mostly means Dangan Ronpa). I was lucky enough to skip the entire John Green, YA fiction, JK Rowling frenzy and instead had a healthy elitism about the Lord of the Rings––the only actual fantasy book series I had ever consumed as a child. My friends and I always met up in the cafe of one of three bookstore chains that existed in the nation, and as they would go up and recommend the Diary of an Oxygen Thief to one another I would tap through the shelves til I could find a book free of plastic, and open it to see if it contained any maps. When they asked me what I was reading, I shrugged and always replied nothing, I don’t really read.

An easy and cheap way of experiencing alternative realities without imagining them on your own is getting into the art of fandom. Structural foundation properly set, power balances and narratives generally more comprehensible than what I could conjure, and a healthy base of insufferable people to talk about it with if you knew where to look. You didn’t really have to think at the same scale unlike when constructing something on your own; an imperfect world existed that you could tread in. For once I found myself in a familiar place, like when I stared into the television as a kid, mildly altering the plotlines of corporate success childrens’ show reruns that could be looped without question. For me, a cheap way of finding a world worth immersing oneself in.

Like many other troubled preteens with uninhibited access to the internet, I exploited Tumblr and fansite webrings to substitute for the mental complexities of developing an internal world. I wrote careful analyses of the dialogue lines from a visual novel that then had been translated to English on three separate links in the known internet, painfully did comedic roleplays over ancient online variants of Mafia, and made graphics until I was a niche microcelebrity in this sphere. My absolute favorite thing was the generation of content. It made me feel incredibly useful. I put together simple resource posts editing out the pixel heads of video game characters next to Windows cursors and added code snippets so people could implement them on their blogs, cropped a collection of 500 icons of this one character that I still get download requests for until this day (sadly lost), and made textures out of other peoples’ textures that no one but my friends would use. I liked being able to make things constructed out of the imagined needs of others. I put texture resource packs on DeviantArt, cropped the PNGs, made website templates, and told my friends that I was helping other people fashion together new worlds. This was worthy enough replacement from working on what was festering inside of me; I was doing a form of service now.

From ages 8 onwards, I made a series of websites where I would publish writing, graphic design, graphic design resources, and my flash games that were too terrible to make it through Newgrounds screenings. (Newgrounds, a site for usermade flashgames, popularly school shooting simulators and stick figure battles, screens new content through a peer voting system. Material is immediately deleted or ‘BLAMMED’ if people think it’s too shit to exist, and I think I made about ten things that never saw the light of day. Today I read that material is deleted if they have more than 50 1.0 votes, but I want to believe that my dress-up games weren’t bad enough to get the scorn of 50 and that the system was different long ago.)
There was this weird dynamic that existed: most things I made were not very useful, were more focused on generating a consistent stream of output than meaning, and there was a tight social sphere I was bound to. Other preteens and young adults with the same demure desires to produce one-off things that would only ever serve ourselves and each other. 

First tied by mutual interests and discovered through seas of link clicking, you would leave a chat message on a dwindling cbox to say hello, investigate one’s activity and their affiliate requirements, and send an email to see if someone was interested in the content you produced. With crude contracts were wholesome internet relationships bound on the principles of reciprocity: making things for each other. One material from the webring would be the basis of a series of 100×100 Photoshop icons from the other; there were no usage statistics, but we could see that when one created, it spurred movement from the rest of friends. It was the unspoken core of the exchange. Beyond shared love for the fourth generation of Pokemon games, one person makes, and the others challenge themselves to make with it, too. It was a series of acts for one another.

At thirteen, I had successfully started a tiny cult of web designers in my Catholic school. Finding delight in the prospect of being useful, I introduced this world of making to my friends in real life. By then, I had been making websites on and off for a few years and had a grasp of how I could also teach others to make them. There were even tutorials I had written that I proudly passed onto them, rehashed with the best intentions from the dozen of other source codes and websites that I myself had perused, proud at how I had now become instructor. There was this conscious coordination to help one another improve, even if it only existed in this minor subrealm of the internet. My friends joined in as the ones who introduced me to the games and shows I liked then, liked it when we could make new things together, and mostly, because they loved me and wanted to be around me. We had gravitated to one another with our own sour stories, forming the spaces for like-minded outcasts not so different from when I placed paper into grids atop classroom desks.

This kind of gathering took place again and again. My laptop’s lifespan was always cut short as I ran the Minecraft server and the twelve LogMeIn Hamachi instances needed to support a rotation of friends from school and all their friends of friends that followed; there was a period of time where I had somehow risen up the ranks of a Roblox military group and awkwardly listened in on Skype calls with the American teenagers who ran it 12 hours behind me; for a good chunk of middle school and high school, I played League of Legends with the same group of friends and knew so much about these peripheral parts of their lives but never really them; my hands ran through a journal that a dozen others have touched, the worst illustrator in my friend group instead writing love letters in black glitter pen in a journal that I would then pass back. One of the first Minecraft towns I had ‘founded’ was named Riverside, and we rebuilt it nearly every single time we played the game for the next decade.

*

Around this time, my fights with my parents became more and more frequent, where I saw myself as immensely stubborn and firm in what I desired, and them likely seeing me as crazy and ungrateful. Something was very different about me. The few minutes of facetime we would get were bottled with tension; I was simultaneously quiet but confrontational, academically excellent but rude, too busy and dismissive. I don’t think they were too wrong in their assessment. I had forgotten what most of these fights were about. I was valedictorian or a few steps behind each year and never smiled when they walked up with me on stage to receive medals. The only time we ate together was dining in the living room-dining room-office room hybrid after Sunday mass. There were never conversations about how our days went, what we were thinking about, who our friends were, or even what we wanted to do for college or where we would go. One day, I realized that I had truly became exhausted in some form like them––staying at school until 9PM nearly every day to work on clubs, eating a single meal a day, filling every second I could working. We became strangers living under the same roof. My mom would call me a monster, so I turned it into a beautiful word in my head and made all the monsters in my worlds misunderstood, redeemable beings. (Years later I revisited this, everyone is redeemable.)

As this went on, I continued to think of myself as a very solitary person, completely different from the beckoning child who would once unfold stories in the middle of crowded restaurants and rowdy tables. Physically, all of these new engagements were performed in front of my computer––and therefore were not truly ‘real’. At my house, I didn’t talk much to family members and focused on school, and on the weekends this play. (I was banned from using the laptop for ‘fun’ on weekdays.) I learned to type ridiculously fast (120WPM at thirteen, and now can consistently do 170 if the words are given to me) because I was scolded whenever there were noises heard from my room, and never spoke on voice calls until I entered college on the other side of the world. 

My eloquence came in the form of the computer, which I believed was the only vessel that I could keep what I loved in. Nothing I made on it could be destroyed or taken away, except by me. I no longer came home, my head pounding and heart palpitating, in search for scraps that contained the worlds I had missing or gone. Thinking about how I could have things and just not find them often made me feel most insane, and I was already astutely aware of how––if not presented through something packaged and conforming to something on fantasy shelves––the world I had held that was slowly unraveling itself again was something ridiculous. In a body that drew from the digital realm of existence, this was more forgivable. I had been internet native for a long time and understood its code. It was an opportunity for me to think about the ideas and worlds brewing my head, but this time I could translate it into something that still existed beyond it, making it real in some form. Processing concepts and events became far easier. This was important for me. Interestingly, reconciling an area where I could safely investigate and create something completely meaningless to everyone but me helped me become a lot more healthily skeptical about the world. My household, the hypocrisy of my religion and my school, the government.

In the sixth grade, we had a creative writing assignment where we were to pass in 5–7 pages on anything we wanted, given that some form of the plot mountain was in action. I wrote a short story that I had then unconsciously plagiarized from my younger self: one of the same narratives I wrote on one of my old notebooks, drawn from the world in my head. There was something about a sea, a twin, church, and morality. It was 37 pages long and opened with a map I drew on GIMP.

Slowly but surely, the imagined world was resurfacing. It had always been brewing, a careful presence that would mature with me, expanding and dynamic, whether I thought about it or not. What was most valuable, and what I like to believe he saw in me, was the healthy distinction between fantasy and reality. Specifically, the perceptiveness developed when one realizes what bounds the current world holds: its limitations, injustices, and crudeness. How could we imagine our present world to be more beautiful, healthier? After I dreamt of him as a butterfly, I decided that if there was ever a form that people take after death and some place they go, he must be in a world not unlike ours––he must be in the body of a small, beautiful thing, of which there are infinitely many. Another important distinction was how even the most derivative of worlds helped me question the foundations of our own. Growing up atypically (to put it lightly), I found myself constantly having to challenge things that were ingrained in me as ‘normal’. For instance, it was not normal to not be able to talk to your closest family members about how your day went and for them to not know anything about your life but grades, and the Philippines was in the precursory period of a cruel, authoritative government.

*

I used to love loading long /r/AskReddit threads before the daily two-hour ride to school. The usual and repetitive topics about biggest regrets, relationships, and strange hypotheticals were most fascinating to me. I never interacted with anything since most of my facetime with the app was offline, but one day a thread popped up that I had saved to get back to on my computer.

OP, 10 years ago:
I talk to myself in my head. Have my own world. 23 years of it. I can’t not do it . Am I mentally Ill?

Me, 10 years ago:
I’m not sure if it means you’re mentally ill, but you are certainly not alone.

I have a universe of my own. Characters, history, economies, magic stuff, lands, maps, legends, ruined and fallen kingdoms, and lots of other things I can think about. :/

I don’t really think about it too much, but I’ve had this wonderful universe for years, and lots of things have been thought of, drawn, dreamt, imagined about this world.

I really want to write a book about this someday, because I really want to write down countless stories I have about this universe.

OP, write it down, like others are suggesting. 🙂 You are very creative and I’m sure we’d like to see what you would write.

Edit: Added some stuff to become actually relevant.


2016

In my junior year of high school, I started an illegal club and used these (invented) privileges to sneak into the computer lab in the basement every break (I would never really eat), regardless of whether there were people there or not. If a random teacher walked in, I would tell them that I was leading a club and working on something for it. The latter statement was more true than the former. Friends always showed up. If not for the whole time, they’d come around at the end and walk back up to the classroom with me. I would always be making something on the computer if not scrolling through AlienBlue on my iPhone 4.

The initial idea was to have a group of people who could make games together. Our logo was a classic joypad whose base I ripped off from Google Images. There were about 30 people who showed up to our meetings after school, and a more tight-knit group of about a dozen who would do the weird stuff for it for me. (This included shooting a promotional video for the club, full acting and all, to Naruto Shippuden’s 16th opening.) At this point, I had become obsessed with the realms that play unlocked for me as all my main influences and media were the classic sandbox and narrative games; I had a slight personality complex because I enjoyed Papers, Please and the Stanley Parable––but my computer wasn’t good enough to play multiplayer on Portal 2, so I just watched videos on that. I didn’t realize it then, but this convening to make games where people could gather again, or at the very least tell and exchange stories made life a lot more palatable, and was something that I had always been doing.

*

On a blog post I wrote sometime towards the end of high school, a prompt asked “what’s your biggest high school accomplishment?”

i do an insane amount of things with the people i love and because i love them. i love every single activity i do. every single one.


2018–2020

When I ended up in college across the other side of the world, I knew little about the implications it would have on my entire life’s trajectory. We idealized the prospect of me now rearing out the American dream. My mother often told me that her biggest regret was not giving birth to us in America for citizenship, a tactic her siblings employed for their kids to give them this gift by birthright. I had a need-based scholarship and an entire household to somehow bring. 

Like many who go through drastic cultural and life changes, I was ill-prepared for the plastic, transactional nature that seemed to dominate western conversation. There was a different warmth and familiarity back in Manila, even if I spent most of high school feeling secluded and turning feelings into websites, art, and poetry. I think it was because it was innately easy to gather lost people with the same curiosities about the places ahead of them, urban nightmare and Catholic trauma as an additional adhesive agent helpful as well. So even if I felt alone in my assessment of it at times I was inarguably surrounded by people, making things with them, perhaps even touching them––if I really wanted to believe in myself.

At Yale, there was a distinctive line between work and play, a boundary that I had been gracefully blessed to not worry about since I happened to love what would end up as my field of work. People held different personas, or sometimes their work/academic self which seemed like a front really was their entire self. I joined every CS club, getting into the ones mildly ‘competitive’ by application, and quit nearly all of them because people were dreadful and I was easily bored. There was an abundance of 18-year-olds who liked to get drunk in a way that showed that it was really their first time ever getting drunk, and a smaller group who smoked––mostly because other people smoked (a rare concept to me, because why would you do so socially instead of because you want to genuinely do it?). It felt like it was supposedly more embarrassing to light something alone, so I stopped stubbing it off in front of other people when I walked back home at night. I stopped attending class and still got pretty good grades, opting instead to spend most days in my dorm making things, often for my home. I was a new kind of resentful now––or perhaps dispirited is a better word––with a more carefully-designed sense of conscientiousness in a space that was a lot more binary than I had imagined. 

There was a clear formula for success in tech, at least that’s how I understood it. It felt weird discovering this on my own, learning a language revealed to me by Medium, Twitter threads, and careful stalking––but it wasn’t too different of an experience from figuring out the entire US college application experience from Reddit in a repressive Catholic school that never really sent one abroad. To my understanding, you could get lucky and get a freshman-level internship and continuously make return offers at tech companies, or wait until junior year to get something decent. There was the additional safety net of being at an Ivy League that cancelled out my constant anxieties from being an international student. I became increasingly jaded and familiar with what worked or not, a relationship that was often at odds with how I had long presented myself online, true to who I was and what I liked doing: dumps of the little things I make, projects removed from the western context, making things for the fun of it, or for the purpose of serving others. Everything I enjoyed doing I found hard to explain; partly because it wasn’t what was traditionally incorporated into the tech pathway resume, part of what others did, and mostly because I never had the opportunity to be able to learn how to talk about what I liked in-person to new people.

During the summer before my senior year, I was working a dream job at a dream company remotely from Seattle. My friend worked at Amazon and frequently was out, and we shared an apartment that was too expensive and also too nice, and I seared my body in a heatwave that felt so close to home. A year before, I was homeless until I had been able to beg my school, through a series of pained emails, to let me stay in the dorms. Life was objectively a lot better, but I never felt so insipid, ugly, and meaningless. Most nights, I would sit on the balcony inebriated, and write. The apartment overlooked the parking lot of a Safeway, highways, mountains. Some nights I was so desperate to feel something that I climbed up onto the chair, then the ledge, letting the air hit me, wondering if anyone could see me. A few months later, I received and accepted a job offer at another dream company. It seems like I had everything, climbed the ladder, and then I felt this incapacitating numbness.

*

NOVEMBER 2021

Something scribbled in my notes from recent: I want to be surrounded by people who make things. This was easier to achieve on the internet, where sharing ideas and projects in auspicious corners of game development forums and Twitter that offered me refuge from the weird performance that would occur when passing by people in classes. In my head, this was weird and things were supposed to work out the opposite way: people on the internet were warning of the fragmented personas this new age has wrought. No, the issue wasn’t just that existing online was merely one part of a multidimensional self, it wasn’t a reflection of it at all. People were cherrypicking, compulsive liars, desperate for validation in numbers. I thought there was something broken with me because I was more faithful to my thoughts on the web, and I started searching for this fraudulent part of me.

Astonishment used to fuel me, desire as well. I’d most strongly attribute it to people. I was making things for a country that I could not physically feel, and desperately needed to be inspired by another person’s voice. The internet was nice, but when I went out and learned that the buildings with acid poured on them to make them look centuries older than they actually were, I wondered how alike the people around me were to the white lies dispersed on my campus.
I even dared myself to take a chance at the one trick that had always worked for me: I would invent the very spaces where people could gather. But nothing would click. The design club I put together because there was nothing else mostly attracted attention when we talked about how to get jobs. I was terrible at replying to people and easily bored, probably one of the most uninviting, weird people that made it. Sometimes I even scathed when looking at certain groups, the kinds of kids who were far more privileged and with decades of advantage on me on the etiquette and norms of the Valley that I had to teach myself (and still am teaching myself), when they would ask me questions about internships. The only classes I would go to were my art classes, where for five hours a week I would struggle to stay awake, absorbing more of the means in which these people were talked rather than the substance of their arguments. That is, the part of art school teaching you not how to critique, but how you should sound when critiquing. Sometimes I put my heart into things and then would hear others laugh at how everything they’ve brought in was some loose assemblage that they bullshitted the explanation for. Another branch of learning: how to become like them, how to be palatable in your language, how to invent a new way of speaking for yourself to fit into another world. I knew then what the bulk of this education was going to look like.

Going to the place where grief made the most sense meant that I had to lay down my tools. Total surrender. Something inside of me knew that this was going against everything I ever knew––but I needed for a moment to believe that I was a thing separate from what I always tried to shape, that I understood what was making me was distinct from me.

This was the worst thing to feel and realize in my senior year. I have a wonderful job doing something I genuinely love lined up in San Francisco, but I had nearly a whole year away before I could get out of this place.

I had this distressing fear that I had not lived a life, as if I had made a wrong step somewhere, and that I was not supposed to be this disillusioned. I had a non-existent support system that was fragmented between friends back home in the Philippines who in my head, seemed irritated at every single thing I would share and never reached out first. I had virtually no friends at Yale because I spent most of my time working on things for a Philippines that was forgetting me no matter how hard I tried to still serve it. I hadn’t felt a touch out of care in years. The pandemic depriving me of essentially half of a normal college experience also intensified these feelings of isolation and longing. Oftentimes and still, I imagined what it would be like to had stayed in the motherland, living with all of my friends on the simple path that had been dictated from birth––and now I was so stressed that I hadn’t gotten my period in nearly two years. A decade of immense working propelled this deep dissatisfaction at my potential, myself, how there was no longer anything tethering me. Much of this longing centered around a place that never truly existed: I was serving, but not really fulfilling any role, and there was no grand bildungsroman to come––I likely would have found a way to be as sad as I am now.
I began withdrawing from everyone and everything. I quit my jobs because I had thought that more time for myself could mean that I would fix this, fall in love, but also because I stopped being capable of performing. I went on dates and then became afraid of being touched because I genuinely couldn’t feel my body or tell what was coming out of my mouth. Something was amiss in my head. I thought I needed somebody to put into it the thought that I was loved, or at least an object capable of being loved. Days were blurring into one another.

*

im making things and i know who i want to see them. mostly they are for myself

It’s easy to treat your body of work like an organism. You can start with this: something is living if it can die. These worlds that were once made for the people I love were teeming with life, even if they were only temporary. It must have been the natural order of things for the seeds I sprouted to exist forever, moreso with the distance I continue to create between myself and everything I make and care about. I thought that if somehow, I could hold the hundreds of hours that have been shared with me again, then maybe I could get out of this headspace––and then I remembered that I am stubborn and have long been a believer in things that could only be imagined. One of my most successful friends on paper has raised millions of dollars and frequently tells me to turn the community I made into something profitable (I still run the work I started in my high school’s basement to this day). Every year I continue to lose money on it. 

This wasn’t the solve. When I felt most loved, it wasn’t because of words or numbers. There was an exchange, a facilitated agreement, a knowing that one moving hand takes another and shapes something never seen before––this is the thing I longed for. Part of me thinks it’s the physical distance that makes it less fulfilling, and part of me knows that it’s my head distorting everything. I keep thinking about the rooms I found myself in. I held an eight-hour-long anime movie screening in a friends’ basement and 60 people showed up, the computer lab I stayed in for breaks where I built things and then ended them, when I put together thousands of words about the thoughts in my head in an hour because someone I loved was on the other side, unspoken artistic exchange with friends, the scene in my grandfathers’ home. Perhaps my experience now has been closely mirroring what life for me was like in my childhood bedroom: in front of a screen, machinic, unabated in focus unto one thing after another because I couldn’t think of any other way to live. Someone could tell me I mattered and the insidious part of my soul spun all the times it felt like I was purposeless––a pain when creation is your love language, and all you know about desire come from the things you’ve shaped yourself.

The problem with being a creator is that you most value your own opinions on what you tend. Meaning, there was nothing that could save me this time but myself.

*

I started feeling like being with someone could solve the unexplainable tightness in my head, and of course the very clear loneliness. Utilitarian and selfish in objective. Something about desiring to be witnessed, seen, even if I hadn’t really made anything. Pay heed to how this plan neglects the fact that I made a terrible job nourishing any form of connection with other human beings in college, and how I was neglecting myself and letting all this anxiety rot within whatever was left of me. Terrible plan aside, I don’t think it would have hurt for someone to know me, or be witness to me. I candidly believe that I’m not a good person, but I don’t believe that I am someone atrocious enough to be around, for the most part.

I hadn’t thought about it much since it ended, but I started thinking about my first relationship. It lasted a while––I wish I remembered how many months exactly, or even remember the dates it started or ended. Sometime in the middle of high school, it must’ve been part of my life for at least two years, or almost that. We never publicly did anything romantic outside of school, we probably went out three times at most. But we made so many things. The best thing I remember was the parts where we were making things together. There was a videogame we were making together and a game development journal still up for it somewhere on Tumblr with gifs of the characters we have made and previews of the 4-color tilesets we conceptualized. We jointly did commissions on a random Neopets ripoff site we were fixated on for a bit: he was in charge of music with a modest, lush Soundcloud collection and listened to a lot of C418, and I would make websites, graphic design bits, and rudimentary design systems. His guitar is still in my bedroom.

One night we gave ourselves an hour or so to make a little interactive fiction piece, swapping it afterwards to play so we could “better understand one another.” I wrote this hypothetical story about the aftermath of a suicide, incredibly painful to read (in the cringey way, and because it was clearly drawing from my own feelings). There was always this lingering sadness inside of me that I was obsessed with learning how to describe, articulate, feel out, and maybe push it away someday. I surrounded myself with people who also felt this way, and thought that this must be the normal state of human beings. Everyone must be obsessed with what might happen when they die, the grand and sometimes vengeful recollection of their being.

Then, I learned how to bottle a lot of grief, but wasn’t sure why it was working so well or why I had been successful for so long. I wrote verbose handwritten letters and poems, and made art that copied landscapes from Ghibli films and then secretly the ones held in my head and showed it to him. He was witty, selfless, introverted, and quiet; many times we mirrored the best parts of each other until we started turning into each other into worse people. We had formed this strange language as lost, forgotten kids with only art and each other to turn to. Many things I’ve made only he has ever seen.

Unbeknownst to me, it was one of many times I learned that creation can also take form between two people: a new language, shared understanding, a builder lending their tools to another springing something that could have never existed with just one part, the sprouting of something completely new––foreign to everyone but you two. This far less lonely form of making, still true to its principles, so mundane and straightforward in concept. It was violently inspiring: to live aware of the throes and certain heedlessness the universe held, and to actively create another world within it in which we knew we cared and were cared for without needing words. 

Celebrating people for their stay is a holy act.

*

For Thanksgiving break, I vowed to wake myself up from my stupor. On the first three days, I moved myself to make with my hands, and made two things about how sad I was and another about how I might be slightly interesting if you cared about any of the boring media I spent the past few years consuming. The issue is that without further context, listing a Sion Sono film as one of your favorites just makes you seem like an insufferable asshole. “Filipino living is Filipino suffering,” one piece of commentary I wrote on Norte, Hangganan ng Kasaysayan reads. Like many other family dramas from our country, it is so ordinary in its brutish injustice towards the common familyman. I laugh at how ridiculous and painful and true it all is: every success story we exchange tells of some distance, erasure, pain, sacrifice. It must have been embedded in us the moment people sailed over with weapons to have us begin believing in a man crucified, or a dictator who promised to cure us of our suffering with more suffering. The Catholic belief that pain refutes another pain, that love must take the form of destruction. I printed my heartache and then folded it up.

“For the world to be interesting, you have to be manipulating it all the time.”

My sister stayed with me at my apartment in New Haven for the remainder of the week. It was her first year in college, joining me in America, too. I cooked meals for two for the first time and we talked about art atop the implicit weight of generations of sacrifice that had led us to be spending a holiday we neither celebrate in a studio apartment alone, together. Suddenly I was saving the best pieces for her, feeling an unmistakable tenderness in my chest afternoon and night, asking her what she hasn’t tasted in a long while. We sat down on my floor with plates full (I have no dining table), she pours milk, and I ask her how the semester has been so far.

When she readies to leave back to her campus two hours away from mine, I ask her how her head is feeling and tell her about mine. I feel like what has been inside me for a long time isn’t normal; she has all the context necessary to understand it––our parents, young and foolish, doctors who don’t really believe in anything that concerns the head unless it is bleeding, but her familiarity with me creates distance between us. Back then, I must have self-diagnosed as some form of dysthymia in the dangerous Tumblr-era. Meaning, “my head is fucked up, but not that fucked up.” In truth, I left out all the convenient bits about the past semester from her: self-destructive behavior now that I had been fully aware of my agency, now that I wanted to abandon my body, now that I wanted to abandon everything.
High-functioning is the next word I find on my tongue after it took all in me to wrestle the confession out; this is how everyone has always perceived me. Stubborn, diligent, unrelenting in what I do with my hands even if my body can’t keep up. There’s a part of me that knows that she resents me because I go to Yale, which now casts a shadow that she’ll continuously have to stand under. I have always been making worlds, tucking them cleanly into the ones we live in. 

Before we walk to the car, I show her my thesis hanging up in the art gallery. I am almost graduating. I gave her a copy of the zine I made from the start of the week. I was still bottling my grief in creation, but this time it was difficult to hold it in. The dead thing was inside of me.

*

if i make things for myself, will i still be loved? so much of my journey has been unlearning the misguided notion that what we produce alone can save people but i feel like i need to save myself…
p. 16

*

I wandered into the graveyard on Grove Street at 5AM. It is a straight walk from my apartment door, almost cunningly malicious in how it beckoned out to me. An 18 acre cemetery in the middle of campus that I had never stepped into until my final year at Yale––there was a need for me to be there. Before the sun had risen, I traced the grave markers and ignored the sharpness in my chest. I wrote myself a note.

i think

i was put in this life to create. i was put in this life to magnify what others create around me. what they think. what they shape. what they craft. what they believe in. not to be created for or with necessarily, or represent some new movement. (and how stupid is it to think that every life has the same pull of every other.) the act of human creation necessitates a deeper longing for what our world could be, and the deepest understanding of what it currently is. 

i need to lean into this which brings me joy / meaning / which i am actually good at. if i could find traces of my influence on others for the next decades to come then i would have done my job — an invisible hand that has built up some foundation for others to express themselves, their love for one another and this world, and what they resent and long to change most. i want to live through every tiny beam of creation that comes. and my being part of the way people love and have that love come visible (which feels like our eternal challenge…) is all i want. 

if i build the tools in which we may love, then i shape how we love too. if i can do this for one person then i would have done it all


Are.na Founder Charles Broskoski had this particular realization about toolsmaking and the arts that spoke to me:

Before when I was working on my solo show, I was thinking about what it means to be generous as an artist. At the time, I thought it was about being really personal or really open. Like to the point of being diaristic, or sharing images of me and my family.

Towards the end of making that show, I decided, “No, it’s actually about tools. It’s actually removing myself entirely and making things for other people to do stuff.” I decided making tools is the nicest thing you can do as an artist. So Are.na still feels like a natural extension of where I was going as an artist.

https://thecreativeindependent.com/people/charles-broskoski-on-self-discovery-upon-revisiting-things-youve-accumulated-over-time/

I felt that I was in an opposing situation. When thinking about it, or trying to talk to the few friends that asked me how I’ve been, or coming into my only extracurricular group for the semester –– I realized that I had no idea how to talk about my day. To present myself or be me. To tell people about how I was existing, unless it took shape in a form of service or offering that I could provide them; so much of my life had been spent figuring out how to gratify people to justify my own existence that I began losing sight of my own identity and form. Depressing, but also dangerous––to service people when you don’t know what your true intentions are except to ‘do good’––vacuous, ambiguous. Generosity in this sense was killing me. I had forgotten how to build my internal self, foundations that I could hold onto.



DECEMBER 2021

I organize things very simply. On my desktop, Drive, whatever, there is a folder named ‘for you’ and next to it one named ‘for me’. Everything is subdivided between these two. My art, writing, and to some extent, the things I consume for pleasure, are all arranged this way. (I finish what’s difficult for me to get through if it’s fundamental to a friend.) 

Over the break, I looked at everything I’ve assembled over the past decade and rearranged my files. Nearly everything in ‘For me’ was moved to the appropriate folder next to it, a long-gone blip in my head about servitude, and a somber recognition of how little I make things for myself today, and how it was all I died when I was starting out as a child. I continued to look through everything. The thoughts I had when I was 16 that were misguided but also not wrong in their identification of my core fears (the moment when my hands alone would no longer be able to sanctify me); the way my ‘gifts’ were collections of curated trinkets and objects and pieces of media with notes attached to them, until I realized the people I was surrounding myself then were the type to not really give gifts or say anything about them; the way I could no longer recall any truly happy moments I had growing up beyond the ones shared with my grandfather; a redesign for a Yale group who briefly mentioned that the currently malfunctioning page they were working on was commissioned for a few thousand dollars and then offered me nothing; bits of music, projects, and stories I would start with my friends that would all live and end with me; hundreds of images and notes from when I would lose sleep to teach to a handful of people, and then talk to thousands, and then feeling nothing afterwards.

I’m handpicking the worst of it. Callously browsing, intent on hurting myself by interpreting things in the worst of ways. This succeeded in making me feel gravely alone in my futile attempts at production for the past decade. I still believed that somehow, it could save me and make me feel a little less lonely. My primary objectives with creation were still true to myself. I was inventing things because I loved it, for the people I loved; but all these things were constantly dying. With the worst and darkest of my head, alone over the holidays, I began attempting to grasp the incalculable impossibility of my own necessity. How meaningful is one human, really?

I found myself pathetic and little and unable to even cry. It felt so desolate, more painful than being tender and exhumed of tears. It felt like nothing and all the things that come after death. I was already dead.

If all I am is a person who makes, what good is it when I’ve been tending a world that nobody would like to go to? 

*

Everyone knows that I haven’t believed in god in a long time. It’s one of the many unspoken tensions I have with my family, amidst many others. I was one of the earliest to stop believing. Back in middle school, while we were watching a production of the Little Shop of Horrors, I leaned over to my friend and asked––”Wait, do you really believe in all of this stuff?” as I pointed to the statue of the Cross in the corner and on the ceiling, looming over a growing backdrop of frenzied plants. “No right?”

I first came to this understanding when assessing (very lately) that it was physically impossible for all of the animals to fit on the Ark, and that someone who claimed to love a world so much would not constantly threaten death and famine if the things they’ve made with their own hands did not believe in them. Religion became an object of fascination for me; every story of god so wicked, how he cut the lifespans of humanity, punished Jesus continuously, how we drink a symbolic blood. How, whenever hands were raised against me, I was told that He would forget me and that I would be doomed to hell. ‘God-fearing’ was a word that meant less about reverence and obedience, but a genuine source of detachment and endless agitation. Parables were always fascinating to me, and I always knew them to be more metaphorical even if our dated school still was earnest in its literal take, refusing to hear anything less. We once had a teacher who made us pile together chairs in a row, telling us to imagine it as a sea of flames that we would have to jump over.

After Christmas day, I wondered if the broken thing inside of me was caused because I never believed. Or stopped believing. God too, was a creator, even if he was a violent one. I understood the appeal of the narrative because I once prayed every night, believing that saying these words over and over would save my soul––until I learned how others who weren’t ever exposed to the religion were to be condemned to the same punitive hellfire that I would be sent to if I wasn’t obedient enough––because they were never cleansed of sin. Because humans to Him are evil things by nature.
I thought I was evil and so I went to mass at St. Mary’s on Hillhouse, one of the most beautiful avenues I have ever walked. The first time I have attended it in years, and the first time I ever attended by choice. A family ahead opened the door for me, I genuflected and sat at the back, and I found myself familiar with all the words. In my last two years of high school, I had stopped getting up to receive Communion and spent our religious retreats sleeping at the back of the chapel. This time, however, I took in the consecrated bread. I knelt after Communion. I texted my parents and told them the most unbelievable thing I just did.

There must have been a glimmering spark of love in this idea of god. As long as there existed some path to redemption, no matter how lopsided and prejudiced, there was a way back into His heart. He must have created the world out of love, even if He has largely left it, and all under must be desperate for this kind of love.

Maybe belief is a benign thing and that is in human nature to will a place for ourselves. Catholics imagine salvation and by participation, attach a reward system for their goodness, and become good people by practice. I think everyone at the funeral knew that the man was going to heaven if there was one, and for those who had difficulty finding a world or place to believe in, the ritualistic incantations and tender crossing of hands was the god that they were looking for. Every religion, every belief system is about putting people and things towards a place. That must be it. That must be why people pray, and why people will continue to pray even if they say they’ve left religions, even if they’re not born into it, why conversion and convents and the most beautiful pieces of artistry come from it. Why children are baptized, why forced indoctrination must come from some core, well-intentioned heart of all with the savior complex. Human faith, perhaps even optimism, and its ability to create a reality and thus will it into existence.

*

Yes, actually. Being with someone could solve all of this. I need the presence of people, I need communal making, I need to find a place where I can scream at the forgotten places of this world and breathe new life to them. Without it, I might as well just be this anhedonic machine. There is a need for me to listen to the needs I myself bear here before the healing can come. More poignantly, Nelson Goodman says “worldmaking as we know it always starts from worlds already on hand; the making is a remaking.” 

I’ve figured out that I have to better understand people who compartmentalize themselves and slip in between different realities. Similar, but different to me.

A decade or so of self-commodification. Wishing to be useful, desired. Needing to be needed. The plainness of understanding that the daily treatment of myself, the shoving of worlds, the diminishing of my own beliefs––has made it so that any grand gesture or thing that I make can no longer save me. How many parts of myself have I buried? Beautiful, true things can come out of a mouth, and we can still believe the speaker to be insane.

*

Paracosms are invented for children to orient themselves in reality, according to child developmental psychologist Marjorie Taylor. Unfortunately for me, the same paragraph describes that this behavior is mostly present in under-sevens. However luckily, the emergence of virtual worlds and the metaverse has brought a new resurgence of interest in lore, worlding, and other things that previously only sci-fi fans, D&D players, and Five Nights at Freddy lore enthusiasts had indulged in (with much scrutiny). 

I’ve been trying to understand why my favorite things in it have always been the fake ecosystems, maps, and encyclopedias detailing the weather, health conditions, and timelines of world history than the presumed central point of invention––telling a story. I didn’t have anything particularly interesting to draw from in my life (I didn’t even have a self-insert!), considered myself a very boring and sheltered person, and instead liked to look up one thing and another then make building blocks for someone who could be a better writer. I think framing again: unlike popular use, this was never a place that couldn’t offer me connection or soothe how remote I felt from others; I didn’t make up people to talk to, have characters that were substitutes or even reflections from the people in my reality. it was always a tool, a vehicle, in which to understand the world. So much of my life has been on inventing new spaces for my friends to congregate around under the needs of theirs that I’ve understood, or on bloodying a part of my own sanity to serve a disconnected audience. What if I had spent time creating a space for myself, for once? What if I let myself sink into something?

*

The most beautiful thing anyone has ever done for me was actualizing a part of my imagined world. It was a way to say that even what I had dreamed about and desired was not only valid, but meaningful enough to bring into existence. The accumulation of all my internal cognitions and interest was a thing that should have a body, a form. Or: What I believed in, they believed in, and it was worth making tangible so others could believe, too.

I often forget that the world is something we can make just as easily as we live in it.

*

When I put this newfound awareness together with my need for community, I slowly started to recognize what truly made me happy. Interdependency, two or more people or things connected to one another, a better world when people are unafraid to say “I love you––you have made a part of me.” Laying the brickwork and foundations for something greater; unspoken compassion when we bring something out into this world, the oftentimes rebellious optimism it takes when rejecting all the disbelief; how immensely lucky I am to have a passion that is also my career, and the challenge of next grappling with it as it exists between expression and service; defining how I’ve lived for the sake of my dwindling memory, and also because I genuinely believe it to be testament to how the most unexpected digital spaces can be a haven for poetics and intimacy. In people and in the things I adore, I see myself, even if it is only there briefly. The artifacts I create are ephemeral, be it paper, pixels, or pushed lines of code. The way one person’s life springs a million amount of new permutations and possibilities is unfathomable, special, and precious to me; the way one lesson imparts a new lifetime of potential in another. There is a grand cosmic infrastructure in which I, as lonely as I may feel, am undeniably affiliated with. It is only human to long to hear it.

*

When I excitably showed one of the only people I felt myself around the grand revelation I made at the graveyard, he looked at me, perplexed. “You’ve been saying the same thing forever.”

In the very blog post before this, literally published a day before with my shameless third attempt at a tech fellowship, it asks: “What impact do you have on the world and why?” –– my answers from the past three years incessantly repeat the same thing.

In essence: to create radical, poetic things with and for the communities and people I love. This […] is what I want to dedicate my life to––creating radical things for creators and communities, so they may too, unravel what is radical for them. In short: to create radical things. I like to believe I was born to create and move, as large as that sounds. But especially to create with others, for others.

Same thing, over and over and over.

*

Something is living if it can die, and I remember the feeling of my own pulse, how desperate I have been to carry things within me and pass them on somehow. I have been afraid to die.

I have made so much of my life because I wanted to see something real. I continue to create because it gave me love, because love is an infinite thing we can choose to give and take, because it is where I can find the room with all of the people I love when we don’t know where to go, because faith in humans has propelled all of history and will shape all of the history we make, because the world needs reinvention that we partake in everyday, because I want to live in a world where my children can imagine too, because my friends and loved ones need a place to go, because it is the language of my love. I breathe slowly and I still am inventing the place where I can exist wholly.

Sometimes it takes the form of an imagined place, an intransigent realm with everything I love and have. Sometimes it’s the shape of Manila, sleeping and fighting and talking in cars and malls. Sometimes it is the things I hold in my hands. Sometimes it is a house where I can barely fit inside.


Searching for tangible, public documents about my grandfather is difficult. It’s funny how robust technology tracks and remembers everyone in the west, and how a man who had lived a life of public service barely is traced by the web. His work, beliefs, and the process in which he loved still shine brightly upon his city and all he cherished, now flung across the globe and cradling new places as home.

While scraping for the ways in which others remembered him, I found one comment left behind.

Sobrang nalungkot po ako nung malaman ko po ang balitang ito… I have met him once with his family… I can say that he is a good man who loves not just his family but all the citymen… With his helping hand ready to help in every possible way.. My heartfelt condolence to his bereaved family.. Pray na lang po tayo for his eternal repose.. I know his happy now kapiling ang Dakilang Lumikha….

( I was so sad when I heard about the news… I have met him once with his family… I can say that he is a good man who loves not just his family but all the citymen… With his helping hand ready to help in every possible way.. My heartfelt condolence to his bereaved family.. Let’s pray for his eternal repose.. I know he is happy now with the Great Creator…)


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